Far less uplifting that Moneypenny’s post, this post is about the demise of my good humor. I know I’ve mentioned before that I am a very happy person. In general I love my life! I love the ups and downs, curveballs and surprises that life throws my way and gladly take each one in stride, believing that it will make me better in the end.
Lately I’ve been in a slump. I’ve been grumpy, felt lousy, been angry at people, frustrated and annoyed, all without the usual balance of sunshine and rainbows beaming from my face. And this week Mr. Flowers has decided to blow me off two nights in a row, after forcing me to watch sports over the weekend in my free time. (I say “blow off” but he did give advance notice both times and had legitimate reasons for canceling. Still, he hasn’t even managed to call me back to explain…)
I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the primary reason I am such a happy person is because I am single. Yikes! That’s a scary statement coming from a young person such as myself. Will I ever mature to the point of accepting another person into my life? Or am I so scarred from my past 5 year relationship that I will never ever want to give up a part of myself again? OR, am I just in the wrong relationships all the time and maybe there is still a shred of hope that I won’t die alone and unloved on this earth? (sidenote: this pertains only to marital love. my friends and family love me to death!) It’s been two years since I broke up with NM, and the thought of having to give up my Sunday afternoon to sit inside and watch sports still makes me nauseous. I was over NM before we even broke up, so why am I still getting over the relationship?
I had all of these depressing thoughts while working late today to meet a deadline for tomorrow. Then I walked home in the rain, with the knowledge that I have yet again completely shut out this nice boy who says he wants to be my boyfriend, and I felt completely hopeless. Why do I even care that he hasn’t called me back? Why am I wasting energy on getting angry about that??
I want to say that I’m just not into this whole “marriage and commitment and compromise” idea because I’m being infiltrated with it at the moment. But I know it won’t slow down. This is just the beginning. Every year of my life will show more and more of my single friends being paired off. And I’m starting to think that although I meet plenty of people to “waste time with,” I’m never going to find someone who I actually want to share the rest of my life with. It’s so depressing.
And the most depressing thing is that all of these thoughts and feelings are brought on by the simple fact that a boy hasn’t called me.
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March 20, 2008 at 3:43 am
Jane Moneypenny
Oooh, Smallbone, you have what we call “feelings.” And before you freak out, it’s not a bad thing. Like I mentioned before, he’s been good about giving what you want, so let him have his sports once in awhile. But it’s good you recognize that while you’re over NM, you may not be over the relationship. I’ve learned to not take out my anger from previous relationships onto other guys because it’s just not fair to judge them based on another man’s stupidity. As much as you like to think you’re too “independent” for these feelings of anger, you’re not. No one is. You have feelings, accept it, understand it and take it as it is.
The fact that you’re worried about finding someone to share your life with maybe means you’re not that happy being single. I know that may seem shocking, but I promise you, it’s NOT a bad thing. Just for those people that think single is death, the same applies to us. Relationships aren’t bad. Flowers has proven himself to be worthy in the past, so give the guy a chance.
If it makes you feel better, I and some friends went out for steak to celebrate the end of kickboxing. I proceeded to put down an 16-ounce filet migon with a loaded baked potato. Even better? No guilt. ‘Cept that I was the only one who finished it all (and didn’t feel sick even…).
March 20, 2008 at 5:01 am
Mel Heth
Here’s a silly question: Have you ever considered online dating? I was in a major, major slump before my 30th birthday. It had been preceded by a year of celibacy, a failed attempt to rekindle with my college boyfriend and a very short summer romance that broke my heart. I was desperate for a little fun—and some great stories. So, although I had vowed never to sink to the depths of the Internet, I decided to try online dating. And it was a complete blast. I went out with 10 guys in two months—most of whom just left me with painfully funny stories to recount to my family. But I had a great time, and it was a huge self esteem boost and slump buster to have that many men calling and emailing me.
I’m not saying blow off Flowers completely. But maybe some new faces or online flirting would spice things up and shake you out of your funk.
March 20, 2008 at 11:32 am
Penelope Smallbone
Mel, that’s great advice! I was just reading a “Time Out New York” article yesterday about this idea of getting so many dates as a great self esteem boost!
And Moneypenny, yes, I know I have feelings. Though I may not always show it I am a very emotional person. Sometimes I try to avoid those emotions because I know how powerful they can be. Maybe the better question is “when will I be ready to accept the emotions back into my life again?”