Read last night’s entry as a precursor to this one:
Right when I said this line about:
“And then I was missed the last guy I dated, even if he was an asshole. But only for the quick flashes of fun moments. “
I find out he’s in a relationship. “Mr.-I-don’t-want-a-girlfriend” is in a relationship. 3 months ago, we had an insanely honest conversation where we both agreed we weren’t looking for anything serious, but due to my gut instinct for protecting myself for further getting hurt, I walked away from it. So it must be serious because he didn’t do commitment. I never wanted that from him, but I wanted him to respect me enough to call and not be so self-centered. I’m not going to lie: our chemistry was incredible – the kind where you want to jump the other when in the same room and we had a strong flirtatious banter that never died, even when we were mad. It’s near impossible to walk away from something so strong.
I tried explaining to a few close friends the situation and they really couldn’t understand. My best friend who just got married in December couldn’t fully grasp my feelings since she’s never been hurt. Ever. She got lucky with boyfriend #1. It doesn’t matter that I know I deserved better or that it was the right choice or that I’m leaving. The funny part is dating this guy was the true push that got me over my torturous ex, which led me to make the choice to leave St. Louis. So I guess I have him to thank. But it doesn’t ease the prick of hurt. Sigh. A few years ago, a close friend decided he liked me and I pointed out that he was always going on about how he loved being single. And even though I didn’t feel the same way, his response was something that will always warm my heart, “I think you’re worth not being single for.”
What is it with guys I get close to either platonically or more, automatically finding a serious girlfriend or getting engaged right after their thing with me? I even predicted it months ago when we were still dating that this would happen; I can still find the email in my inbox. A few other ones are already engaged/married and others are on their way. I must have some good luck vibe; the same thing happens at the casinos! Whoever I’m near wins and wins and I just keeping losing.
But everything happens for a reason, right? This just re-confirmed that I made the right choice on leaving.
(I’m not even going to eat ice cream in response. Mostly because I had a huge waffle cone of it earlier before found out the news. Instead, I’m going to put some jazz vinyls on my record player and do work. Actually, come to think of it, I haven’t been hungry at all lately. I used to have to eat every 3-4 hours, but now I find myself going 6-7 and being absolutely fine. It’s kinda freaking me out! I love my food!).
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March 31, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Mel Heth
Sometimes I think we’re all girl scouts and instead of “leaving our campsites cleaner than when we found them,” we leave our men better than when we found them. We help them understand women better and, in some cases, understand themselves. And what thanks do we get? They find great relationships after they’re done with us. This has happened to me 3 times. It’s infuriating. My college ex’s wife even looks like me! But instead of being disheartened, I try to be flattered. Maybe YOU had a profound effect on your ex and it changed him. I know that doesn’t do much to make the situation better, but just know that eventually you’ll find a “campsite” that you don’t have to clean – that will already be wonderful when you find it – and maybe be enough for you to want to set up permanent residence.
April 1, 2008 at 3:02 am
Jane Moneypenny
Mel, that comment just rocked. The funny thing is last night, a guy friend who isn’t great at giving advice or making me feel better said, “Well, they obviously didn’t find something in you that they wanted to or they found something they didn’t like.” Wow, just what a girl wants to hear! So your comment was the opposite and yeah, it doesn’t really make the hurt go away, but I feel better that I did some good, I guess?
April 1, 2008 at 3:11 am
Nola
I DID NOT get lucky on boyfriend #1. And I know the pain of hearing the guy you forced yourself to walk away from because he wasn’t looking for anything serious is now in a serious relationship. It’s so “When Harry Met Sally,” (it’s not that he didn’t want to get married, Sally cried, it’s that he didn’t want to marry ME).
I’d like to help with the moving thing. Because I too love me my environment! But that has kept me in NOLA all but for my law school and graduate years. But that worked for me. Post-K, the biggest fear I had was that the city would not recover and I’d have to find a new city. Perish the thought!
But I return to the fact that you are probably facing a mean case of anxiety. And CHANGE is that big mo-fo that kicks you in the teeth more than any other trigger. My best advise is to follow through with the plans that were made with your head and trust that you were making the right plans for yourself. If St. Louis is where you are supposed to be, you will feel that tug once you leave. And you can then go back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So if you need to trick yourself, do so (every morning in college I hated waking up. So I’d tell myself I could come home and nap in the afternoon. I knew I never would because by then I’d be awake and all. But I tricked myself in to getting up every day!). And if you end up finding you really do miss STL, then GO BACK.
Oh, and we have baseball in NOLA, too! So there.
April 1, 2008 at 12:33 am
Jane Moneypenny
You’re so right! Of course there’s the Zephyers. I love summer games there in high school. The unfortunate thing is once you go Major League, it’s impossible to go back!
I also have a feeling the second I leave and return home, I’ll forget about STL. I’ll miss it, but not like I miss NOLA. I love being home, so we’ll see if this summer gets it out my system for the time being!
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