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I’ve realized recently I have a slight obsession with hobbies, as well as never sticking with them. This last year alone, I’ve gotten into boot camp, swimming, hiking Kilimanjaro, a safari, photography, yoga, jazz piano and book club. Because of my possible ADD and desire to try and do everything, I’ve become a mediocre Renaissance woman, dabbling in everything possible. I wish I could just focus on one and get great at it, but my I’m too restless and anytime I see an opportunity to learn, I grab it. Needless to say, my mind is rarely quiet. Curses from being Type A.
Mel wrote a great blog today about confidence and finding 5 things you’re confident about and celebrating them. I am the rocking reigning queen of self-deprecating humor, tinged with sarcasm that ends up being a little too biting sometimes. Growing up in a Chinese culture, Catholic society and being the oldest, I’ve never been good at taking compliments or finding what’s good about myself. So along with my resolutions mentioned in the last entry, I’m going to focus on finding confidence, as hard as it will be.
5 Things I’m Confident About
1. Wit and humor: I’ve been told I’m a funny girl, especially when it comes to trading banter. And finding humor in the non-funny, like getting lost.
2. Desire for adventure: I will always try my best to live life to the fullest, even if I’m scared out of my mind.
3. My smile: A friend told me awhile ago I seem to have the same “brilliant grin” in all my pictures and he jokingly wished I would change it up sometimes. I’ve tried, but I can’t help it. I smile big and it cheered up the DMV photographer when I got my license at 16 so I will continue smiling big!
(This is getting hard…I’m was struggling after 2. How am I going to find 5?!)
4. Independence: Actually, I’m really confident about this aspect of me. I, like many, left for college at 18, became financially independent at graduation. Now, at the age of 26, I have a financial consultant, CPA, a condo that I rent out, a car that I paid for myself, a good secure job (even if I hate it), mutual funds for dire emergencies, my own IRA separate of work’s 401K, a network of professionals and resources and some decent cooking skills. Not too bad for a girl in her mid-20s (I refuse to say late 20s until April).
5. Low-maintenanced: This is an iffy one. Low-maintenance has often blurred with low standards and it’s something I need to differentiate, especially with guys. But overall, I’m confident not having the latest fashions, expensive shoes or wearing makeup (for sheer reasons of laziness, not because I’m confident in my looks).
That was a lot harder than I thought. Good thing the task wasn’t to list 10. My first instinct was to list 5 things I need to work on right after the confident list, but for today, I think I’ll put that in the back and be confident in the things I’m good at.
In the year of insane Jane things to do, I’ve come up with another. And I’m keeping it a secret (well, as secret as the world wide web can get).
On the heels of an incredible trip to Puerto Rico with 3 friends (2 of who do triathlons), I realized a desperate need to lose weight, get in better shape and swim better. Despite taking the first steps of swim lessons this past summer, hiking Kilimanjaro and being on a year-round paddling team, I still feel like it’s a struggle with weight and keeping up with others.
When hiking, I walk slow, mostly due to an innate clumsiness that will lead to numerous rolled ankles if I try to keep up with everyone else. When I swim, I still panic in the deep end even though I know better (although I finally accomplished floating this year). And running is an entire other story. It’s pathetic that I can’t go more than 0.2 mile before I give up. But like everything in my life, I will enter with ridiculous enthusiasm and hope I don’t die out like I did with jazz piano.
With 2010 around the corner, my goal is to find small successes and victories instead of huge sweeping ideas of life change. A week in Puerto Rico cleared my head in a way that Africa didn’t. There were no thoughts of Pen or Mr. Anti-Committement or any men, for that matter (mostly because one of the guys in the group was a ridiculously hot toned athlete from Europe). It did make me face things I want to fix about myself: a need to slow down, relax and let life happen.
Other goals? Learn how to salsa and get better at photography (I FINALLY allowed myself to get the DSLR I’ve been debating about for 2 years).
One of my favorite aunts is about to undergo chemotherapy for ovarian cancer. Because I’m halfway across the world, there’s little I can do but send emails or occasionally catch her on Skype. Since I was a little, my Aunt Rita (the youngest of four on my mother’s side) has been the “wild” independent one. She was an international flight attendant, married and divorced young, had an abortion, and led the life of drinking, smoking and dating.
Now in her 50s and facing cancer, she admitted that she—like me—went through a lot of life confident in her independence and single fun. But at this point in her life, she regretted not finding someone, finding to be with her through this time and holding her hand. I protested that she wasn’t alone (my mom is there with her) and I certainly didn’t need a guy to take care of me.
“Of course you don’t, Jane, but take it from this old girl, stay OPEN to the possibility of love. That’s all I’m asking. You don’t want to end up like me.”
The part of me that is tired of being lonely completely agrees with her, but it seems to fight against the idea that I’m doing great on my own. I’ve been on a rampage of hobbies, traveling and hookups but still feel unfulfilled. No matter how hard or light I throw myself into things, I come up on the other side looking for an unknown something. Maybe that’s life? Maybe the unknown is what keeps pushing me forward to live life fully and completely.
Slow down, you crazy child
you’re so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?
Oh, Kilimanjaro. How I both love and hate you. You challenged me in ways I never thought possible. You pushed every ounce of energy, emotion and life out of me and every time I thought I had reached that day’s destination, you presented another slope up and laughed.
And so what if I hiked 95% of the time alone as I watched people, including my own friends, run past me? I did it my way, slowly and surely. And yes, you may have knocked me down four hours from the top with your snobby altitude, but for a girl that grew up under sea level and has never climbed a mountain, I came and conquered.
2 weeks later, my mind is still mush. The memories of you are mashed together, leaving me confused and blurred, making me question if I ever experienced what I did. I feel removed, detached and almost emotionless about this grand journey. Images flash sometimes, but I still live with a heavy heart that I don’t understand.
Maybe I put too much stock in you changing my life. After all, Kilimanjaro, you are one of the 7 Summits, the roof of Africa and immortalized by Hemingway. Although the characters in The Snows of Kilimanjaro never actually try to climb the mountain, Harry goes on the safari to get his life back on track and views Kili as a symbol of truth, purity and goodness.
But did you change me? I still feel restless, unsure of the life I’m leading and the person I’m becoming. My fate is what I make of it, but I’ve found that often, no matter how hard I try, I still fall short. And that’s okay. That’s the part I need to learn. Life can’t be measured by the number of successes of grand goals, but small victories.
Kilimanjaro, I may not be back, but I’m going to continue to push as hard and make it to the top some day.
I leave with these great lyrics from Billy Joel. I need to learn from this song. I need to stop being consumed with this obsession of living my life to the fullest and cramming every adventure into every moment right NOW. And remember to enjoy the moments. The journey, not the destination.
Slow down, you’re doing fine
You can’t be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,…
Too bad but it’s the life you leave
you’re so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you’re wrong, you know
You can’t always see when you’re right. you’re right
You’ve got your passion, you’ve got your pride
but don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize,
Vienna waits for you?
-Billy Joel, Vienna
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- The view after going up a vertical Barraco Wall.
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- I can never get enough of these clouds.
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- I’m so sick of hiking at this point.
Last year while Greek island hopping, I swore the crystal clear waters and mountains and beaches were probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen or would see. The rich blues of Greece were the epitome of beauty, peace and happiness.
Then I went to Africa and was introduced to an entire new view of breathtaking. Instead of the bright blues and colors of Europe, Tanzania was all earth – browns, greens, dust. And all I could think was “wow.” Hanging out the rooftop of the Land Rover and looking out to the endless plains of the Serengeti was something I never thought was possible. Pictures can never fully capture the true scenery.
What was even more exciting was the wildlife! On paper, a safari sounded fun, but nothing to write home about. After all, how different could it be from Disney World’s Magic Kingdom? I hadn’t given it much thought due to all concentration on Kilimanjaro, but it ended up as a huge highlight. Camping in the middle of the Serengeti with animals roaming by our tents was nothing short of surreal.
One camp, in the middle of the night while going to the bathrooms, C discovered two lioness in the men’s bathroom. I was on the other side of the short wall, about to go (and I really needed to go) when I hear a growl, a bam and open the door to see him bolting out of the bathroom, yelling “lions in the bathroom!”
At another campsite, there were giant beautiful elephants hanging out, drinking water and wandering around as if it was a daily occurrence. What I would give to see it sit on a car!
One of my favorite moments was watching a leopard eat a gazelle in a tree. While I usually get bored and change channels during these shows on TV (unless it’s Planet Earth), I was riveted to watch this beautiful creature go after his prey. Circle of life, indeed.
And then there was the herd of 40 elephants crossing our path. Just incredible!
So I have to admit, wildlife in its real setting was something I can’t really capture in words. It seems like a dream to gaze across endless plains and animals with no wires or gates. Just nature at its best. Too bad we missed the Serengeti migration by a month!
Thoughts and more pics on Kilimanjaro soon.
Against all odds, I made it.
Okay, I made it most of the way; my body just refused the last 4 hours. Of course, I’m devastated, but this was out of my control, so there is nothing to do but be proud of how far I got. No one (and I mean NO ONE) believed I could do it, but strangely enough, I never doubted myself. Through all the pain, exhaustion and fear, I never lost faith. Maybe there really is an underlining confidence I never realized existed. Whatever it was that kept pushing me forward is something I need to always remember. Maybe the years of heartbreak made hiking a mountain a realm of possibility.
There were moments when I thought I couldn’t put another foot forward, times when I just wanted to collapse from exhaustion and pain. I hiked most of Kilimanjaro alone, at my slow slow pace, absorbing the scenery and thoughts of life. Anytime my mind tried to wander to something pleasant like my favorite beach on Naxos, happy moments with Pen or a delicious steak dinner, the thoughts would snap away, as if the memories never existed. Left, right, left, right. That’s all that would stick. All of the guides or porters were worried, mumbling among themselves if I could do it and at the end of each day, I proved them wrong until the main guide even admitted I was strong.
But on summit night, I felt anything but strong. Severe acute mountain sickness is nothing to joke about, but mentally, I wanted to keep pushing. It’s not a failure, of course, and I have to remind myself WHY I did this challenge in the first place: to learn to not be so hard of myself all the time, to learn to be proud of where I am and what I’ve done.
I came home to the bad news that my aunt had ovarian cancer. Other than that devastating news, I don’t feel anything different. I thought I would return, free of past guilts, feelings towards Pen, and ready to start a new chapter of my life. But life is life and when I return to work Monday, things will be back to normal. Sigh.
More on the amazing safari and Africa in general soon!
I may have lost my mind.
I’m going to NYC for Labor Day. This isn’t the smartest move, but the adventure carpe diem part of my heart is yelling at me, so I went ahead and did it. I’m worried, scared and excited to see old friends, but mostly to see Pen. Truthfully, he’s been so busy that there hasn’t been a truckload of enthusiasm from him, but I think I’m okay with it. If things go south there, I have many many friends to escape to. Better to regret something you did than did not do, right? I gave him an out and he didn’t take it, so looks like I’m about add another ridiculous thing on my list of crazy lately.
I’m also confused why I keep thinking money grows on trees. I’m generally a very frugal careful spender, but the older I get, the more I’ve been throwing it to travel. This year alone, I’ve been to Houston numerous times, St. Louis, New Orleans for Jazz Fest, California and Mississippi for weddings and now to NYC. A week and a half after I return, I head off to the adventure of a lifetime in Tanzania and Kilimanjaro. A week after that, I go back home for a wedding and then Houston again for a competition. Over Thanksgiving, I’m off to Puerto Rico for a week.
Whoever said “money doesn’t buy happiness” lied because if I had money, I could travel forever and travel brings my happiness. My old boss told me, “Have a fudgesicle and chill. You’re doing way too much math.” I don’t know how to quiet my mind down from the doubts, the worries, the “what ifs” of each decision I make. How do I find confidence in these choices?
Time to go play the lottery!
7 months into 2009, I would say I’ve kept to my resolutions fairly well +/- a few steps back and forth.
Except one.
I seem to have a weakness for making out and hooking out with drunk guys. Perhaps it’s because I’m sober and in control or maybe it’s because I just can’t seem to stop being a floozy with hot men.
After all, I’m young and single and when a very attractive man is flirting with you, it’s easy to throw caution to the wind. In the last year, I’ve walked the blurry line between just having fun and getting emotionally involved. Half my friends want me to date more and to just have fun; the other half warn me to be cautious because no matter how hard to be casual, I always get hurt.
After a weekend of drama and angst over July 4th, I firmly decided to stay away from men altogether. If I felt a tug of attraction, I would clamp it down. If I had the itching to email/text/facebook him, I would ignore.
Then I met hot guy. Let’s call him Mr. That Guy. Yes, he’s THAT guy. I was at a beautiful wedding this past weekend in the mountains of southern CA, meeting a lot of new people since I only knew the bride and her immediate family. It was one of those perfect weather weekends filled with endless fun, laugher, joking and everything summer should be.
I’ll spare the details of everything that led up to Mr. That Guy except to say, if I continue this process of “just having fun” (this does not mean sleeping around), I’m going to give myself a few days to gossip and giggle and obsess over it and then move on. I’ll never be at the point where I’ll feel nothing so I have to find that medium ground where I can do both.
So I’m going to squeal about Mr. That Guy for a second and then move on!
The moment I met him, I knew it would be trouble. Not only was he incredibly attractive, he was that guy that I get along with easily: lots of flirting, joking and teasing. He’s that guy who’s a ladies man, who loves women, the life of the party and the one with the stories. When we were introduced, everyone looked as if i I was supposed to have heard of him except until that moment, I never knew he existed. And off we went. I spent the weekend ribbing him for his womanizer ways and the rest of the cousins all laughed in agreement. He was almost surprised how well I could describe him without barely knowing anything.
In his defense, his cousin (the bride) swore that he really was a nice guy and a softie. I laughed and didn’t believe her, but in truth, watching him interact with his family did tug at my heartstrings. When his grandfather wandered in, he automatically went over to help and spoke rapid Spanish (he looks German so I was surprised) to greet him. He helped string the lights and lanterns, built the stage and centerpieces for the wedding and took turns twirling his little cousins on the dance floor. Family man? Check. Good looks? Check. Grad school? Check.
Good kisser? Check check check.
When standing on a balcony at 3am under a blanket of stars over looking a lake with a hot man, there is really only one option: seize the day and let him kiss you the way a girl’s supposed to be kissed. Maybe it’s because he’s older and more experienced, but whatever it is, he kissed me like he had all the time in the world, as if he was perfectly happy just holding me and kissing me slowly and softly. And yes, he was wasted and giggling but it was fun and a hilarious memory as people kept popping up out of the darkness and interrupting us.
So we didn’t talk the next morning as I rushed to pack and catch a ride (we were sharing a room with another girl; he slept on the floor, so nothing happened). We still haven’t spoken and despite the tiny hurt in my chest, I think I’m handling it okay. I’m never seeing him again, after all. Sigh. Okay, I lie. I need to stay away from hot guys.
The end. Next!
Girl sees hot guy.
Girl trips over feet as turning.
Girl falls flat on her face.
Hot guy’s mom heads over but stops as hot guy makes sure I didn’t twist my ankle.
General response: “Jane, if you fall while walking in flip flops, how are you going to make it up Mount Kilimanjaro?”
Yes, you heard/read right. In September, I’m using all my vacation days and going to Africa to climb Kilimanjaro. And I’m freaking out. Freaking out about being away from work for 2 weeks, panicking about lack of internet (I’m a geek!) for so long, not making it up the summit, being ditched, altitude sickness, etc, etc etc.
When the idea first came out, I laughed. I’ve never hiked a mountain in my life; I don’t even own hiking boots. But before I knew it, things were falling into place. Work was okay with it, my parents encouraged it, all my co-workers said I had to. Half my friends were excited for me; the other half are shocked and in disbelief that I can pull this off.
But you know what? I’m young, single, and always looking for a challenge and adventure. So here I go!
