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I hit my year anniversary in Austin last week. A year ago, I got into a ridiculously bad car accident on my first weekend here, which also happened to be my ex-bf’s birthday. This year, it was lingering in the back of my mind, but faded quickly as I laughed and screamed through the Coney Island Cyclone roller coaster. Last year, I was stressed and lonely and hysterical. This year, I spent a glorious beautiful weather weekend in NYC with old friends and the crush that seems to never fully go away.
Although I got late Friday night, I didn’t see him until Saturday evening due to busy schedules, the US Open and a checklist of people I needed to see. Up to that point, he had slipped from my mind as I busied myself preparing for Africa and he for a trip to Costa Rica. But when I walked off the subway and saw him grinning at me across the street, all doubts flew out of my head. Is it possible he got better looking since I last saw him?
He gave me options for our plans that night, one of them involving a long walk up a hill through the Cloisters. He being in the camp that I needed to train more for Kilimanjaro strongly hinted at that one so I sighed and agreed. The sun was setting over the Hudson, the weather was cool and there was green all around. It’s as someone directed the perfect scenery for a romantic walk.
We had dinner at a small Italian place by his apartment. Conversation was smooth and fast flowing, filled with laughter and teasing. He lamented over the true meaning of “adoration” and how sad he was it’s gotten lost through time due to the “cuteness” of the word “adore” and “adorable.” To truly have adoration for something is to love and respect and be passionate about it. His adoration is for tennis and Africa, where he did Peace Corp for years. Deep down, I hoped he would have adoration for me some day.
He’s not an emotional man; he’s passionate about a few things, but generally, a stoic person. On the rare chance he makes a comment about us or me, he’s sincere to the point I desperately wish for more moments. My friends find him overwhelming great, probably because he’s so opposite of my usual. As we’re riding the subway, Smallbone giggles and whispers, “He’s so dreamy, Jane! I’m in love with him for you.”
But all these happy good feelings are just that. I leave for Africa next week and I wonder if he’ll fade from my memories or if he’ll move on. There was no talk about the future. Maybe that’s what happens when you live in the moment. The DTR (Define the Relationship) was looming in my head, but I pushed it away. What’s the point? He’s there, I’m here and there’s nothing to debate. But when I fall asleep in his arms and he comments that we fit together very well, I find myself wondering about the future.
Reality bites.
My bad luck continues to follow me like a dark cloud over my head, no matter how far I run. Got into a car accident this weekend (right after I found a great apartment only to discover later that it’s a lot further southwest than I realized). It’s funny how, even at the age of 25 and being on my own, my first thought in an accident is “My parents are going to kill me.”
I was completely at fault due to ignoring the inner voice in my head to not drive forward in a left turn only lane. Of course, the other car wasn’t happy with me and claimed pain and neck problems. Meanwhile, I’ve stepped into a thorny bush on the side of the road and staring at disbelief at my bleeding ankle.
The next thing I knew, ambulance and fire truck have shown up (yes, really) and neck braces are being placed on the two people in the other car. By this time, I’ve gone into a weird calm full-on panic mode. I know I didn’t hit them that hard (it was right after a stop light); both cars were still drivable. Everyone at the scene basically ignored me as they tended to the others until finally an EMT asked if I was hurt. It’s amazing that in a situation like that I manage to keep my wits and sarcasm.
EMT: “What did you dooo?” (in a joking manner)
Me: “I didn’t hit them that hard. I’m so confused.”
EMT: “I know. Some people just, you know. It’ll be okay.”
Me: “Easy for you to say! You’re not sending 2 people to the hospital.”
He laughs and promises me it’ll be okay. After a long conversation with my insurance and the police (who weren’t very friendly) calling tow trucks (my front right bumper was hitting the tire), finding out Enterprise was closed and getting a ride home from the tow truck guy, I came home to find my friend had invited people over to welcome me to Austin. The people at the party were friendly enough, but not really friends I ever see myself becoming close to or being my sole source of a social life.
It must be something about hurricane season that causes car accidents for me; the day after Katrina, I got into an accident and pretty much broke down in the middle of rush-hour traffic. My parents took it a lot better than I thought; after the usual lectures of being more careful, they told me not to worry since there’s nothing I can do now. I’m not very close to my parents on a personal level; I consider them parents, not friends, so any talk of my own emotions are troubles in life are rarely brought up (not to say they don’t want t know). So I was surprised to find myself explaining how hard it was this first week with work, no friends, and all this change. And being the parents that they are, they assured it would get better; new places and changes are always hard.
This morning on my way to sign papers for the car and pick up a few items I left, I got horrendously lost (GPS couldn’t find the address and sent me an hour north), only to find that insurance had towed the other party’s car to the place instead of mine. Made it to work an hour later in the rental PT cruiser (this thing guzzles gas, ugh) to be handed some work that I don’t understand and the art director has been bad about explaining. This kind of work is not what I’m used to and what I’ve always strayed from, but I thought it would be good to learn new things, no matter how rough it will be.
With everything that’s going on personally, I’ve taken a step back from some people and realizing I need to stop investing so much into every single friendship. I’m exhausted, drained, homesick and lukewarm about my job.
I want to believe I made the right choice. I do, but right now, things are feeling so out of control that all I can think about is running away. It’s not that I have regrets, surprisingly, but just feeling unsettled and tired of spending money. My first paycheck in 3.5 months comes in a week.
Sigh. Trying to stay cheerful, optimistic and not whine too much. I’m determined to make this work.
*Thanks to Melissa for the awarding our little blog with the Brillante Award! I feel so honored. =)
I went grocery shopping for the first time in Austin yesterday. This may seem like a small event, but navigating a new grocery store is always a bigger task than you think. Also, it’s a personal victory when I get to a place without GPS or written instructions (making it a grand total of 3 places on the list).
The chain here is H.E.B. and I wasn’t sure what to expect other than they were everywhere. The moment I go there, I knew it would be a confusing time due to the fact I couldn’t even find the “enter” doors. Unlike most stores/groceries (this particular location anyway), the exit and enter weren’t next to each other. Baffled and unable to find shopping carts, I stood there watching until I found someone to follow in. Success!
In the first few minutes, I was overwhelmed. The layout was a huge maze with shiny lights and displays. Numerous times, I would stop my cart short, slamming my ankles into the shopping cart. It looked like Whole Foods to me and nothing like the dimly lit, cheap bag-your-own-grocery chain I’m used to in St. Louis or easy rows of Win Dixie/Walmart in New Orleans. They really do everything bigger in Texas.
As for general life, nothing’s changed. I’ve started looking at apartments, but I’m completely unaware of what areas are good or bad or considered too expensive. Reviews online are never good for apartments and the good ones are way beyond my price range. Work is continually rough due to these ridiculous transitions, so I sit at my lonely island desk, twirling and surfing the web. I’ve made headway with co-workers that have introduced themselves because of their connections to St. Louis or New Orleans or sports. I’ve taken the plunge and talked to a few familiar names given to me by my former co-worker in St. Louis and asked their opinions on where I should live. Other than that, it’s been nonstop meetings about the changes, getting lost in the office and wondering what the actual hours of this place is. Hopefully once the dust settles, things will be more clear and life will continue. Let’s all hope I still have a job after that.
I’m determined to push forward, no matter how scared, lonely and homesick I am.
First, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief for the passing that is Gustav, but also hope for the best in the communities that got hit badly. It was a tense weekend as I crashed on Mr. Former Harmless Crush’s couch with our laptops and watching the news with bated breath. He finally demanded we get out to take some time away from the doom and gloom, so we ran around Dave & Buster’s Sunday night and forgot about reality for a couple hours.
I left Houston on Monday and moved into Austin; the actual move was short since half my stuff is still in New Orleans. I still feel unsettled since I’m only at my friend’s temporarily until I make enough to move out and closer to work (a 40-minute heavy crawl in traffic to work is not worth the cheap rent and large space). I also have no idea where I’m going in this city and the newly purchased shiny GPS doesn’t ease the discomfort of being completely unaware of Austin’s geography and not knowing anyone.
My first day of work for the second time this year was yesterday. It was the exact opposite of my first day at my last company in February. One of my biggest worries was this “corporate” environment that I’m not used to, but I decided I was up for the challenge of learning more and experiencing outside my comfort zone. And outside my comfort zone it has proven to be.
When I arrived Tuesday morning, the HR woman greeted me warmly and showed me where I would be sitting. Due to the quickly expanding offices of these two companies sharing a space, I was stuck without a cubicle in a lone desk against a window with my back facing the rest of the large room. I hate this position due to sheer paranoia of people popping up behind me (I solved this problem at the last job by placing a little mirror on the wall). But it is what it is and until I find my place in situations, I’m painfully shy and passive. And so I sat. And sat. For an hour doing nothing but skimming over the folder of paper introducing me to the company and the usual computer setups. An hour later, HR lady showed up again and we went through a 30-minute explanation of an even bigger folder of paperwork (another woman started the same day, but was much older and a little cold). Then back to the desk I went. And sat and sat and sat some more.
I guess I was expecting a lunch excursion or a tour of the office or meeting the team, but no one spoke to me or wondered about the new person sitting there. And I kept on sitting there, surfing the web until the hunger pains became excruciating and encouraging emails from my old office sent me to the streets of downtown Austin looking for food. Of course, not knowing my way around, I wandered for a bit in the 90-degree heat and contemplated running away. The rest of the day was like that; other than a short meeting with the art director to show me some work, I spent the day alone at the desk reading encouraging emails from my old office and trying to tackle the large stack of paperwork. Also, to add to the hilarity of this situation, the art director had incredibly bad breath and body odor. No matter how much I leaned back in the seat or away from him, the smell permeated every breathing space around me.
Of course, there’s the usual comments of, “It’s the first day. It’ll get better” and “Maybe everyone was just very busy” (which is true, due to transitions in the company right now) and “Go talk to someone.” But I’m not kidding when I say I’m seized by a bizarre case of social anxiety in unknown and new situations. No matter how many new things I’ve tried this year, suddenly fixing that problem will not happen. So please don’t tell me to just start talking to people. Everyone’s really busy and due to these transitions this week, everyone’s tensed and stressed. Sitting here alone has made me feel like going to the bathroom and crying (that I couldn’t find for the first half of the day due to no tour of the office). I almost burst out crying yesterday after lunch and it takes a lot to even get to that point of holding back tears. The one person that introduced herself only stopped by after seeing my Greece photos on my desktop background and didn’t realize I was new until the end of the short 2 minute conversation.
I thought day 2 would be better, but here I sit again. I showed up 9am and frankly, I could have arrived hours later and no one would have noticed. I feel horribly homesick for my old job, St. Louis and New Orleans. I miss my giant large cubicle with massive file cabinets and pretty window view. I miss the close-knit environment of my funny co-workers that became like family in the short 4 months I was there. I miss having my boss be like a crazed uncle calling me on the phone whenever the ice cream truck ding-a-linged by. I miss Europe. I miss the feeling of being settled and knowing a city like the back of my hand. I miss having friends around.
But I knew it would be tough when I made this choice. Position-wise, I’m lower a rung, but being paid more. I took it with the idea that I could learn a lot in a bigger company, no matter how much I wasn’t a fan of the “corporate” environment. If anything, it was temporary until something better comes along. It’s not that I regret the choice to take this job/city over the other one; I know it’s the right long-term choice. But I’m not going to lie and say it’s hard not to think “what if?” or desperately crave familiarity.
And food.
P.S. Also, even though the attire of the office is casual with jeans and flip flops, all the girls are dressed incredibly cute. I do not own cute, so I need to go shopping (where the hell is the mall?!), but I have no money! And I need to find an apartment and furniture and move the rest of my stuff. I need to win the lottery.
The autumn wind, and the winter winds – they have come and gone
And still the days, those lonely days – they go on and on
And guess who sighs his lullabies – through nights that never end
My fickle friend, the summer wind
-The Summer Wind
This summer, the wind has decided to blow me every which way. Out of the comfort of St. Louis, into the wonder of Greece and Italy, through the beauty of California, the bigness of Texas and back home to New Orleans. As of Tuesday night, my decision was made. I decided to be excited and pro-active and embrace living in the city I grew up, no matter how tough it would be. It’s all in the attitude, right?
I wrote out 3 unsent emails at 1am that morning: one to Austin declining the job; another to the friends that were subject to my arguing in circles; a third to those unaware of it all. I would call New Orleans in the morning to give them my choice and see if they had agreed to the measly $1500/year salary increase (Austin had offered $4500 more). It was never about the money, but about New Orleans knowing I had better options and pay elsewhere. I fell asleep, completely at peace with my decision.
But life likes to mess with me or in this case, the summer wind. To my surprise, the boss wanted me to come in for another round of interviews and meet the interactive team to make sure we got along. This would have been all nice and dandy except a week ago, he had already offered me a job (I was lying on the ugly beach in Galveston when I got the call). And this is what’s nagged me about their process all along; they refused to talk salary until I demanded that I needed to know or I couldn’t make a decision. Confused by this sudden turn of events, I went in yesterday for one of the strangest interviews of my life.
I’m going to preface this with I’ve been on a lot of interviews in my life; one of my most embarassing stories happened at a round 2 interview that I uncharastically bombed (I’ll save this for another day; it’s a thing of legend). So when I walked in, I suddenly got the feeling it was going to be very similiar. These people must have had been handed a game plan on how to treat me in this interview because THREE rounds later, I was drained. They grilled me. And when I mean grill, I mean threw everything at me they could.
But I was prepared. I’m not sure what it was, but I stayed cool and answered their questions without a blink or a flinch. One girl who came in with some serious issues with me and was the meanest of the bunch:
“You seem to have moved up very quickly in the last three years (scribbles “4 months” on my resume and double underlines it). You went from senior designer to art director in that short of time, huh? Well, HERE, we have a hiearchy and it’s strict and we all follow it.”
Translation: “You can’t just waltz in! I want your job and you have to work for respect.”
“If I gave you X, how fast can you do it by? Because we’re on a timeline and we stick to it.”
Without even thinking, I snapped back, “How fast do you want it? If you want it in an hour, you get it an hour. Might not be its best, but you tell me what you need and I’m there.”
“Well, just so you know, working with the creative director means you have to give up your vision sometimes. At the end of the day, it’s his idea and his project, so you need to give up ego.”
I’ll spare the details of the next few rounds, but it was rough. Unlike the last interview I had like this, I didn’t blow it. Truthfully, I walked away filling confused about their intentions, but pretty damn proud of myself for rocking it. He promised I would get a call in the morning with a possible offer (negating the one he already offered me?!). So I spent a restless night trying to make a choice. This morning, he called bright and early and offered (with only a $500 increase); to his surprise, I told him I would call him back in an hour.
I panicked.
And panicked.
Then I remembered what someone told me: “Most people want to be a big fish in a small pond, but I think being a small fish in a big pond means you have room to grow and be a big fish in a big pond.”
And with that thought, I made the call and changed everything. Things move fast, don’t they? I move to Austin next weekend and start next Tuesday. A good friend is letting me stay with her until I make money to move to my own place and come back for the rest of my things. So that’s that. I’m jumping head in and after telling New Orleans my choice (they freaked and got mad that I was still considering Austin when I went in yesterday), I’m confident I chose the right place. I cannot wait to get back to work!
“If you truly expect to realize your dreams, abandon the need for blanket approval. If conforming to everyone’s expectations is the number one goal, you have sacrificed your uniqueness, and therefore your excellence.” – Hope Solo, U.S. Olympic Soccer
Be careful what you wish for, huh?
As I’ve hinted before, I have some crucial decisions coming my way. And now they’re here and I think I’ve never been more lost. Here’s the skinny:
I have two jobs on the table; I was all set for Job A in Austin until Job B in New Orleans suddenly called out of the blue. I hadn’t been looking in New Orleans or even considering it since there isn’t many opportunities here, and voila, it fell in my lap! The breakdown:
**JOB A**
location: Austin, TX (with worldwide offices)
salary: great; would live comfortably
relocation $: no, but upped my salary because of it
creative work: not great, but definite potential in the future
environment: a little corporate
situation: a little volatile
benefits: not bad
So the thing with Job A is that it’s connected with another company that we’ll call DE that is being slammed everywhere for its lack of work and problems with Giant Corporate Client. As in, everyone knows and it would be jumping on a sinking ship (I did my research, thank goodness). Job A does work for DE because the latter is still trying to get its act together with people and they’re under the same umbrella organization. When I walked into the interview this morning (they were taking forever flying me out and I needed to make a choice ASAP due to dwindling bank funds, so I told them I was driving there), I walked into a sign that was for DE. Bad.
Already feeling annoyed, I sat down and met a few people and the usual talks commenced. I walked in, knowing that I pretty much had the job already, and they made an offer soon after. But of course, you can’t ignore the GIANT elephant in the room that is Job A’s connection with DE. I brought it up; they brought it up. I expressed my concern for working with only one client that is notoriously a headache and huge problem and was very honest about not wanting to work for DE. They were understanding and knew it was coming and assured me I was getting the offer from Job A, not DE, but for the first few months, it would be a transition while they got their footing with new clients and divorced themselves from DE. If DE and Giant Corporate Client fall apart, I would still have a job. It’s a risk, but if it panned out, would be great for my career and a chance to start in a new city.
Lots of nodding, handshaking and a promise of thinking.
**JOB B**
location: New Orleans (biggest ad agency in Louisiana)
salary: still waiting, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a LOT less than A
relocation $: none needed, but would definitely be moving out of home
creative work: my dream come true; clients I’ve always wanted to work with
environment: family-oriented, much like my last beloved job in STL
situation: good, not going anywhere
benefits: not bad (wouldn’t need those vacation days to come home for holidays)
Now, who wouldn’t want Job B? The issue is, of course, the city. Not that I don’t love New Orleans, but a part of that is the relaxation I get when coming home for vacation. I’m not sure I’m ready to live here yet and settle down. Cost of living isn’t what it used to be either. The job and its great clients dropped in my lap years early (this was my plan for the future when/if I moved back to NOLA). I know I’m meet new people, but it’s not the same kind of people and situation that would be in Austin. The whole reason I left STL was to start a new thing in a new place. As much as I love my friends at home, it’s not the same kind of life I envisioned for myself. And yeah, dating isn’t a priority for me right now, but I have to think about it eventually and I already know the kind of guy I’ll marry if I stay here. Which may not be a good thing.
But it’s hard to turn down an incredible opportunity creatively and do what I’ve always wanted to do in helping the city catch up with everyone interactively. I would be in charge of a lot of projects, interact directly with clients and have a real hands-on experience. The other job, not so much. It’s technically a lower position, but there’s good potential to move up quickly.
So now what? I tried the “heart vs brain” thing and that got me nowhere. There’s no easy answer and truth be told, there’s no wrong answer either. I’ll be fine either way and obviously, I’m lucky to be even given a choice.
Help!
Ah, July 4th. The holiday of fireworks, patriotism and good BBQ. For me, it’s another chance for a random adventure. This time, somehow convincing 2 high school friends who were driving back to Houston, to accompany me on a spontaneous road trip to Austin (a city I’m considering for the future). We had a nice chill holiday together, coasting around town with 80s music playing and the windows down, so what better way to spend the rest of the weekend, but on a roadtrip?
So off we went. We packed up B’s (who happens to be a best friend’s HS ex-bf) little silver Camara and shoved me in the back in the tiny spot next to the boxes and clothes and luggage. B’s best friend, Mr. Former Crush, joined us since he had to be at work on Monday in Houston. With the wind blowing our hair and chatting about old times, I felt like I was 18 again: back in the days of single-sex schools and weekend double dates and driving around town looking for something to do. About an hour away from Houston, where we had planned to unload the car at their apartment and switch cars, we heard a loud bang. The air-condition went out, the power steering stopped functioning and we were suddenly pulling off the nearest exit into Beaumont, TX.
We looked everywhere for a gas station, but there was nothing. No gas station, no hotel, no motel, nothing. As in, the entire “downtown” was shut down like it had been deserted. After mangaging to get the car into a random parking lot and calling insurance for a tow truck, we had an hour to wait around, so we attempted to explore the town. Except there was nothing to explore. It felt like the beginning of a horror movie. Good thing it was still daylight or we all would have been packed in the car with no air, freaked out and afraid to leave.
It was pretty much a ghost town. We joked who would get killed first (since I was the only girl and the minority, I was voted in), what would happen if we had to stay for the weekend and how long it would take to walk to Houston. We circled the same blocks over and over again in the summer heat, passing what we thought was the only lodging in town with a few people creepily sitting frozen outside, only to discover it was a nursing home. So we walked and walked and found nothing but deserted streets and closed buildings, including Subway (“What?! 6pm on a Saturday and Subway is closed?”). By the time the tow truck shows up, we’ve thought of every scenario possible. With nothing open until Monday, we would most likely be stuck for the weekend with no car, sleeping at a Motel 6 and getting drunk if we could find a liquor store.
Our friendly tow trucker, Roundtree (that’s the actual name he gave us), confirmed our fears. Nothing was open. Motel 6, iHop and Taco Bell would be our only companions this weekend, but he would happily bring us to a liquor store to stock up. We had long figured out the fan belt had snapped so theoretically, it was an easy fix. As we pondered over our next move, Roundtree put some phone calls in and said he could bring us to his friend’s to look at the car, but we would first make a stop at AutoZone to buy a belt. The next thing we knew, we were sitting in the tow truck (thank God for air condition) with a $40 fan belt and pulling into the ghettos of Beaumont, TX. A crowd of men drinking beer and surrounded by cars came up and 20 minutes later, after much joking and talking, the fan belt was fixed. Total cost for service: $10 (we tipped $5 for the incredibly friendly help). Yes, that’s right. We got stranded and Nowhere, TX and go out, having spent only $55. Lesson learned: Always have an extra fan belt with you (according to the team of men that fixed the car, this is one of the most common problems).
And despite the fact it was dark when we reached Houston, we went to Austin anyway. Got in at midnight, found a hotel and ran around Sixth Street taking shots (I rarely, if ever drink, but given the occasion, I honored the guys for their patience) and crashed at the hotel.
Of course, the trip is not without a little bit of angst. Despite that I’m over the feelings, it’s impossible not to feel that tug of attraction to Mr. Former Crush, especially since it’s been a little lonely with no job to distract me. I’ve been resigned to the fact he sees me as a best friend/sister (his words to his new girlfriend who I have yet to meet), but it doesn’t make it easier when he’s sleeping in only his boxers in the next bed and we’re whispering in the dark and listening to B snore.
When we got back to Houston, B’s ex-gf (my best friend who is in Houston also now) popped up for pizza and a movie (we’ve remained good friends through the years) and we by chance, found a pre-Katrina New Orleans documentary on Discovery. It felt like we had gone back in time 10 years and I wanted to laugh at how much had changed, but how some things always remained the same: B and Mr. Former Crush arguing like a married couple, my best friend and I commenting about our unknown futures and mentioning funny ancedotes from the past. But then she leaves and B goes to sleep in his bedroom and the other goes to his and I lay on the couch wondering if I’m destined to always be the best friend/sister to all guys in my life.
