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Summer always seems to bring change. The end of May into the beginning to June begs for it. After years of watching people leave me and go on their adventures, I finally go to go on my own last year. This time around, I watch my friends go off on their own version of “Jane Moneypenny’s Quarterlife Crisis” move.
In 2 weeks, I return to St. Louis for a much needed visit and relaxation. After 8 months away and almost a year to the date I moved, it’s going to be a mixture of emotions. Hope for the friends packing to move away, sadness to not see those that left, and excitement to feel that familiarity I’ve been missing. I want to return victorious and awesome, as if moving away was the best choice of my life and leaving was great for my soul, my heart, my perspective. But I’m not confident that’s the case.
A year ago, I was leaving for this great unknown adventure with so much potential. Now I’ll return with a lot of mental and emotional exhaustion and unsure of where I belong. I hate my job, still haven’t found the right group of friends and got hurt by guys I should have learned to stay away from.
In some twisted way to control my return, I signed up for a hellish 3 weeks of fitness boot camp. It’s grueling and my shin splints have stopped me from pushing myself all the way. While everyone runs, I have to sit on the sidelines doing modified leg exercises. I feel like a failure, even though I know the fact I’m even doing this boot camp is already its own success. So I keep pushing each day, biting back the pain and thinking of how good it will feel to look tan and toned when I return. Or at least that’s what I imagine in my head as happening, even though 3 weeks is not going to magically give me the body of my dreams.
After all, there ARE old crushes and exes to be seen. 
My bad luck continues to follow me like a dark cloud over my head, no matter how far I run. Got into a car accident this weekend (right after I found a great apartment only to discover later that it’s a lot further southwest than I realized). It’s funny how, even at the age of 25 and being on my own, my first thought in an accident is “My parents are going to kill me.”
I was completely at fault due to ignoring the inner voice in my head to not drive forward in a left turn only lane. Of course, the other car wasn’t happy with me and claimed pain and neck problems. Meanwhile, I’ve stepped into a thorny bush on the side of the road and staring at disbelief at my bleeding ankle.
The next thing I knew, ambulance and fire truck have shown up (yes, really) and neck braces are being placed on the two people in the other car. By this time, I’ve gone into a weird calm full-on panic mode. I know I didn’t hit them that hard (it was right after a stop light); both cars were still drivable. Everyone at the scene basically ignored me as they tended to the others until finally an EMT asked if I was hurt. It’s amazing that in a situation like that I manage to keep my wits and sarcasm.
EMT: “What did you dooo?” (in a joking manner)
Me: “I didn’t hit them that hard. I’m so confused.”
EMT: “I know. Some people just, you know. It’ll be okay.”
Me: “Easy for you to say! You’re not sending 2 people to the hospital.”
He laughs and promises me it’ll be okay. After a long conversation with my insurance and the police (who weren’t very friendly) calling tow trucks (my front right bumper was hitting the tire), finding out Enterprise was closed and getting a ride home from the tow truck guy, I came home to find my friend had invited people over to welcome me to Austin. The people at the party were friendly enough, but not really friends I ever see myself becoming close to or being my sole source of a social life.
It must be something about hurricane season that causes car accidents for me; the day after Katrina, I got into an accident and pretty much broke down in the middle of rush-hour traffic. My parents took it a lot better than I thought; after the usual lectures of being more careful, they told me not to worry since there’s nothing I can do now. I’m not very close to my parents on a personal level; I consider them parents, not friends, so any talk of my own emotions are troubles in life are rarely brought up (not to say they don’t want t know). So I was surprised to find myself explaining how hard it was this first week with work, no friends, and all this change. And being the parents that they are, they assured it would get better; new places and changes are always hard.
This morning on my way to sign papers for the car and pick up a few items I left, I got horrendously lost (GPS couldn’t find the address and sent me an hour north), only to find that insurance had towed the other party’s car to the place instead of mine. Made it to work an hour later in the rental PT cruiser (this thing guzzles gas, ugh) to be handed some work that I don’t understand and the art director has been bad about explaining. This kind of work is not what I’m used to and what I’ve always strayed from, but I thought it would be good to learn new things, no matter how rough it will be.
With everything that’s going on personally, I’ve taken a step back from some people and realizing I need to stop investing so much into every single friendship. I’m exhausted, drained, homesick and lukewarm about my job.
I want to believe I made the right choice. I do, but right now, things are feeling so out of control that all I can think about is running away. It’s not that I have regrets, surprisingly, but just feeling unsettled and tired of spending money. My first paycheck in 3.5 months comes in a week.
Sigh. Trying to stay cheerful, optimistic and not whine too much. I’m determined to make this work.
*Thanks to Melissa for the awarding our little blog with the Brillante Award! I feel so honored. =)
I went grocery shopping for the first time in Austin yesterday. This may seem like a small event, but navigating a new grocery store is always a bigger task than you think. Also, it’s a personal victory when I get to a place without GPS or written instructions (making it a grand total of 3 places on the list).
The chain here is H.E.B. and I wasn’t sure what to expect other than they were everywhere. The moment I go there, I knew it would be a confusing time due to the fact I couldn’t even find the “enter” doors. Unlike most stores/groceries (this particular location anyway), the exit and enter weren’t next to each other. Baffled and unable to find shopping carts, I stood there watching until I found someone to follow in. Success!
In the first few minutes, I was overwhelmed. The layout was a huge maze with shiny lights and displays. Numerous times, I would stop my cart short, slamming my ankles into the shopping cart. It looked like Whole Foods to me and nothing like the dimly lit, cheap bag-your-own-grocery chain I’m used to in St. Louis or easy rows of Win Dixie/Walmart in New Orleans. They really do everything bigger in Texas.
As for general life, nothing’s changed. I’ve started looking at apartments, but I’m completely unaware of what areas are good or bad or considered too expensive. Reviews online are never good for apartments and the good ones are way beyond my price range. Work is continually rough due to these ridiculous transitions, so I sit at my lonely island desk, twirling and surfing the web. I’ve made headway with co-workers that have introduced themselves because of their connections to St. Louis or New Orleans or sports. I’ve taken the plunge and talked to a few familiar names given to me by my former co-worker in St. Louis and asked their opinions on where I should live. Other than that, it’s been nonstop meetings about the changes, getting lost in the office and wondering what the actual hours of this place is. Hopefully once the dust settles, things will be more clear and life will continue. Let’s all hope I still have a job after that.
I’m determined to push forward, no matter how scared, lonely and homesick I am.
First, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief for the passing that is Gustav, but also hope for the best in the communities that got hit badly. It was a tense weekend as I crashed on Mr. Former Harmless Crush’s couch with our laptops and watching the news with bated breath. He finally demanded we get out to take some time away from the doom and gloom, so we ran around Dave & Buster’s Sunday night and forgot about reality for a couple hours.
I left Houston on Monday and moved into Austin; the actual move was short since half my stuff is still in New Orleans. I still feel unsettled since I’m only at my friend’s temporarily until I make enough to move out and closer to work (a 40-minute heavy crawl in traffic to work is not worth the cheap rent and large space). I also have no idea where I’m going in this city and the newly purchased shiny GPS doesn’t ease the discomfort of being completely unaware of Austin’s geography and not knowing anyone.
My first day of work for the second time this year was yesterday. It was the exact opposite of my first day at my last company in February. One of my biggest worries was this “corporate” environment that I’m not used to, but I decided I was up for the challenge of learning more and experiencing outside my comfort zone. And outside my comfort zone it has proven to be.
When I arrived Tuesday morning, the HR woman greeted me warmly and showed me where I would be sitting. Due to the quickly expanding offices of these two companies sharing a space, I was stuck without a cubicle in a lone desk against a window with my back facing the rest of the large room. I hate this position due to sheer paranoia of people popping up behind me (I solved this problem at the last job by placing a little mirror on the wall). But it is what it is and until I find my place in situations, I’m painfully shy and passive. And so I sat. And sat. For an hour doing nothing but skimming over the folder of paper introducing me to the company and the usual computer setups. An hour later, HR lady showed up again and we went through a 30-minute explanation of an even bigger folder of paperwork (another woman started the same day, but was much older and a little cold). Then back to the desk I went. And sat and sat and sat some more.
I guess I was expecting a lunch excursion or a tour of the office or meeting the team, but no one spoke to me or wondered about the new person sitting there. And I kept on sitting there, surfing the web until the hunger pains became excruciating and encouraging emails from my old office sent me to the streets of downtown Austin looking for food. Of course, not knowing my way around, I wandered for a bit in the 90-degree heat and contemplated running away. The rest of the day was like that; other than a short meeting with the art director to show me some work, I spent the day alone at the desk reading encouraging emails from my old office and trying to tackle the large stack of paperwork. Also, to add to the hilarity of this situation, the art director had incredibly bad breath and body odor. No matter how much I leaned back in the seat or away from him, the smell permeated every breathing space around me.
Of course, there’s the usual comments of, “It’s the first day. It’ll get better” and “Maybe everyone was just very busy” (which is true, due to transitions in the company right now) and “Go talk to someone.” But I’m not kidding when I say I’m seized by a bizarre case of social anxiety in unknown and new situations. No matter how many new things I’ve tried this year, suddenly fixing that problem will not happen. So please don’t tell me to just start talking to people. Everyone’s really busy and due to these transitions this week, everyone’s tensed and stressed. Sitting here alone has made me feel like going to the bathroom and crying (that I couldn’t find for the first half of the day due to no tour of the office). I almost burst out crying yesterday after lunch and it takes a lot to even get to that point of holding back tears. The one person that introduced herself only stopped by after seeing my Greece photos on my desktop background and didn’t realize I was new until the end of the short 2 minute conversation.
I thought day 2 would be better, but here I sit again. I showed up 9am and frankly, I could have arrived hours later and no one would have noticed. I feel horribly homesick for my old job, St. Louis and New Orleans. I miss my giant large cubicle with massive file cabinets and pretty window view. I miss the close-knit environment of my funny co-workers that became like family in the short 4 months I was there. I miss having my boss be like a crazed uncle calling me on the phone whenever the ice cream truck ding-a-linged by. I miss Europe. I miss the feeling of being settled and knowing a city like the back of my hand. I miss having friends around.
But I knew it would be tough when I made this choice. Position-wise, I’m lower a rung, but being paid more. I took it with the idea that I could learn a lot in a bigger company, no matter how much I wasn’t a fan of the “corporate” environment. If anything, it was temporary until something better comes along. It’s not that I regret the choice to take this job/city over the other one; I know it’s the right long-term choice. But I’m not going to lie and say it’s hard not to think “what if?” or desperately crave familiarity.
And food.
P.S. Also, even though the attire of the office is casual with jeans and flip flops, all the girls are dressed incredibly cute. I do not own cute, so I need to go shopping (where the hell is the mall?!), but I have no money! And I need to find an apartment and furniture and move the rest of my stuff. I need to win the lottery.
After staying in hostels for 3 weeks in Europe, my standard for lodging has dropped. If there’s a bed, working bathroom and air condition, I’m relieved. So when Rachel, my partner in crime in Europe/quarterlife crisis, accepted a job the same day as me, we decided we had to have a last hurrah. Destin was our first thought, but with Fay running its way through Florida, we ditched that idea. Then we found out her dear grandmother had a free night at Beau Rivage in Mississippi (yeah yeah, not the ideal, but free night in a pretty posh place). Decision made!
On the way to Rachel’s, I had the feeling something was wrong with the brakes but forgot about it (I swear, I never learn to listen to the voice in my head). Of course, this haunted me later. On our happy blue sky way to Mississippi, I asked Rachel if she felt the road was slanted and how strange that was. She gave me a “you’re crazy” look and we kept on driving. But life likes to mess with me and a few minutes later, the car started vibrating and down goes my back left tire. I managed to pull over on a wide section of the shoulder and we both got out and stared at the horror of the tire rubber in pieces. As much as I hate to admit it, I can’t change a tire to save my life. I know the general procedure, but not confident enough to do it and feel safe driving. Two minutes later, a cop magically showed up and with no questions asked, changed our tire and we were on our way in 15. Talk about an angel! Didn’t hurt he wasn’t bad looking. I guess I just have horrible luck with road trip snafus. With the burning tire in the trunk, we headed to our destination.
Mrs. Sheila met us at the hotel and showed us our VIP room. It was massive with beautiful beds, large bathroom the size of some of our hostel room and a pretty flat screen. Apparently gambling a lot means a lot of free things and VIP treatment because after a swim in the pretty pool, free amazing buffet (you know, the casino kind where there’s EVERYTHING) and some gambling, we came back to a dimly lit room with music turned on, chocolates on our pillow and turn-down service.
After a relaxing night, we got in the car with the burning tire to find out that Gustav was headed our way. Sigh. Vacation over. After some obligatory joking, we faced the reality. The “good news” is I was moving to Austin this weekend anyway with little stress due to everything being still packed up. The bad news is if there’s an evacuation, the entire city is going to flee on the same day I leave. 5 hours to Houston turns into 15 and as much as I love road trips, sitting in the car at a standstill is not fun. Then came the realization that if I left early, I would also have to prep the house as if a hurricane was coming. Given that my parents are out of the country still and my sister isn’t the most responsible person, I suddenly realized I had to undergo my first evacuation alone (I was in St. Louis during Katrina).
Locating important documents, cleaning the back yard, moving things slightly higher and packing my car ended up sending me into a frozen state; for about three hours, I hid in my room to avoid the 94 degree sun and watched a movie. My neighbors already cornered me and demanded that I knock on their door if we needed anything (Mr. L started cutting our grass when my dad got sick). But it is what it is and part of being an adult is facing the reality of the situation, so I packed the car (fourth time this summer) and somehow managed to get everything done without having another breakdown.
So off I go to my new life tomorrow; I desperately hope I’ll have this life to return to. But like all true New Orleanians, I’m not going to worry until I have to worry. Most likely, it won’t hit or we’ll get some flooding, so until then, I’m going to take a breath and dive into the next chapter! Luck to all those leaving or staying. I’m sad to miss out on those hurricane parties. 
The autumn wind, and the winter winds – they have come and gone
And still the days, those lonely days – they go on and on
And guess who sighs his lullabies – through nights that never end
My fickle friend, the summer wind
-The Summer Wind
This summer, the wind has decided to blow me every which way. Out of the comfort of St. Louis, into the wonder of Greece and Italy, through the beauty of California, the bigness of Texas and back home to New Orleans. As of Tuesday night, my decision was made. I decided to be excited and pro-active and embrace living in the city I grew up, no matter how tough it would be. It’s all in the attitude, right?
I wrote out 3 unsent emails at 1am that morning: one to Austin declining the job; another to the friends that were subject to my arguing in circles; a third to those unaware of it all. I would call New Orleans in the morning to give them my choice and see if they had agreed to the measly $1500/year salary increase (Austin had offered $4500 more). It was never about the money, but about New Orleans knowing I had better options and pay elsewhere. I fell asleep, completely at peace with my decision.
But life likes to mess with me or in this case, the summer wind. To my surprise, the boss wanted me to come in for another round of interviews and meet the interactive team to make sure we got along. This would have been all nice and dandy except a week ago, he had already offered me a job (I was lying on the ugly beach in Galveston when I got the call). And this is what’s nagged me about their process all along; they refused to talk salary until I demanded that I needed to know or I couldn’t make a decision. Confused by this sudden turn of events, I went in yesterday for one of the strangest interviews of my life.
I’m going to preface this with I’ve been on a lot of interviews in my life; one of my most embarassing stories happened at a round 2 interview that I uncharastically bombed (I’ll save this for another day; it’s a thing of legend). So when I walked in, I suddenly got the feeling it was going to be very similiar. These people must have had been handed a game plan on how to treat me in this interview because THREE rounds later, I was drained. They grilled me. And when I mean grill, I mean threw everything at me they could.
But I was prepared. I’m not sure what it was, but I stayed cool and answered their questions without a blink or a flinch. One girl who came in with some serious issues with me and was the meanest of the bunch:
“You seem to have moved up very quickly in the last three years (scribbles “4 months” on my resume and double underlines it). You went from senior designer to art director in that short of time, huh? Well, HERE, we have a hiearchy and it’s strict and we all follow it.”
Translation: “You can’t just waltz in! I want your job and you have to work for respect.”
“If I gave you X, how fast can you do it by? Because we’re on a timeline and we stick to it.”
Without even thinking, I snapped back, “How fast do you want it? If you want it in an hour, you get it an hour. Might not be its best, but you tell me what you need and I’m there.”
“Well, just so you know, working with the creative director means you have to give up your vision sometimes. At the end of the day, it’s his idea and his project, so you need to give up ego.”
I’ll spare the details of the next few rounds, but it was rough. Unlike the last interview I had like this, I didn’t blow it. Truthfully, I walked away filling confused about their intentions, but pretty damn proud of myself for rocking it. He promised I would get a call in the morning with a possible offer (negating the one he already offered me?!). So I spent a restless night trying to make a choice. This morning, he called bright and early and offered (with only a $500 increase); to his surprise, I told him I would call him back in an hour.
I panicked.
And panicked.
Then I remembered what someone told me: “Most people want to be a big fish in a small pond, but I think being a small fish in a big pond means you have room to grow and be a big fish in a big pond.”
And with that thought, I made the call and changed everything. Things move fast, don’t they? I move to Austin next weekend and start next Tuesday. A good friend is letting me stay with her until I make money to move to my own place and come back for the rest of my things. So that’s that. I’m jumping head in and after telling New Orleans my choice (they freaked and got mad that I was still considering Austin when I went in yesterday), I’m confident I chose the right place. I cannot wait to get back to work!
“If you truly expect to realize your dreams, abandon the need for blanket approval. If conforming to everyone’s expectations is the number one goal, you have sacrificed your uniqueness, and therefore your excellence.” – Hope Solo, U.S. Olympic Soccer
Be careful what you wish for, huh?
As I’ve hinted before, I have some crucial decisions coming my way. And now they’re here and I think I’ve never been more lost. Here’s the skinny:
I have two jobs on the table; I was all set for Job A in Austin until Job B in New Orleans suddenly called out of the blue. I hadn’t been looking in New Orleans or even considering it since there isn’t many opportunities here, and voila, it fell in my lap! The breakdown:
**JOB A**
location: Austin, TX (with worldwide offices)
salary: great; would live comfortably
relocation $: no, but upped my salary because of it
creative work: not great, but definite potential in the future
environment: a little corporate
situation: a little volatile
benefits: not bad
So the thing with Job A is that it’s connected with another company that we’ll call DE that is being slammed everywhere for its lack of work and problems with Giant Corporate Client. As in, everyone knows and it would be jumping on a sinking ship (I did my research, thank goodness). Job A does work for DE because the latter is still trying to get its act together with people and they’re under the same umbrella organization. When I walked into the interview this morning (they were taking forever flying me out and I needed to make a choice ASAP due to dwindling bank funds, so I told them I was driving there), I walked into a sign that was for DE. Bad.
Already feeling annoyed, I sat down and met a few people and the usual talks commenced. I walked in, knowing that I pretty much had the job already, and they made an offer soon after. But of course, you can’t ignore the GIANT elephant in the room that is Job A’s connection with DE. I brought it up; they brought it up. I expressed my concern for working with only one client that is notoriously a headache and huge problem and was very honest about not wanting to work for DE. They were understanding and knew it was coming and assured me I was getting the offer from Job A, not DE, but for the first few months, it would be a transition while they got their footing with new clients and divorced themselves from DE. If DE and Giant Corporate Client fall apart, I would still have a job. It’s a risk, but if it panned out, would be great for my career and a chance to start in a new city.
Lots of nodding, handshaking and a promise of thinking.
**JOB B**
location: New Orleans (biggest ad agency in Louisiana)
salary: still waiting, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a LOT less than A
relocation $: none needed, but would definitely be moving out of home
creative work: my dream come true; clients I’ve always wanted to work with
environment: family-oriented, much like my last beloved job in STL
situation: good, not going anywhere
benefits: not bad (wouldn’t need those vacation days to come home for holidays)
Now, who wouldn’t want Job B? The issue is, of course, the city. Not that I don’t love New Orleans, but a part of that is the relaxation I get when coming home for vacation. I’m not sure I’m ready to live here yet and settle down. Cost of living isn’t what it used to be either. The job and its great clients dropped in my lap years early (this was my plan for the future when/if I moved back to NOLA). I know I’m meet new people, but it’s not the same kind of people and situation that would be in Austin. The whole reason I left STL was to start a new thing in a new place. As much as I love my friends at home, it’s not the same kind of life I envisioned for myself. And yeah, dating isn’t a priority for me right now, but I have to think about it eventually and I already know the kind of guy I’ll marry if I stay here. Which may not be a good thing.
But it’s hard to turn down an incredible opportunity creatively and do what I’ve always wanted to do in helping the city catch up with everyone interactively. I would be in charge of a lot of projects, interact directly with clients and have a real hands-on experience. The other job, not so much. It’s technically a lower position, but there’s good potential to move up quickly.
So now what? I tried the “heart vs brain” thing and that got me nowhere. There’s no easy answer and truth be told, there’s no wrong answer either. I’ll be fine either way and obviously, I’m lucky to be even given a choice.
Help!
On the 10 hour drive today, I had a lot of time to think about everything that’s happened. I cried for the first 20 minutes and then slapped my head when I realized I was so distracted, I had gone 1-44 West all the way down to Pacific (the route we went yesterday to float) and completely missed 1-270 fifty minutes ago. Not a great way to start the trip. Good thing it’s my favorite stretch of road to drive because the scenery is so breathtaking. I had to flip back a few times on the drive due to my mind being completely somewhere else and each time, the “ST. LOUIS [# miles]” would show up, I was tempted to keep heading back. The second I walked in the door, my mom started nagging me and I had to pay a pile of bills and unpack the car. At that moment, I realized how real it was I was no longer in another city.
I never ever fathomed it would be this hard. Or I did but never in the situation that I imagined for years. There was no tearful goodbye to him; I didn’t even see him in the last week. There was no goodbye at all. He just faded off my radar. Instead, my sadness and bittersweet goodbyes were towards the new people in my life – the girls from the last year that befriended me and made me feel so welcome, the new co-workers from a job that fell in my lap and the two guys that suddenly became a big part of my life in the last week. Isn’t that funny? The one situation that caused me so much grief and every emotion possible in the last 6 years was barely on my mind as I drove away today. I wouldn’t have been so miserable in STL for so many years if it wasn’t for that, so it begs the question if I would have ever bothered to leave. Or if I would have left earlier. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore other that I got ever a massive obstacle in my life that I never thought I would and now I’m about to start this unknown new chapter of my life.
I can’t seem to think about the future right now. Not even tomorrow or the day after because right now, my heart seems to be somewhere floating along a river or in the car on a last minute road trip through small town Missouri. He asked me last Sunday night why we hadn’t become friends sooner or hung out more. Not for lack of trying on my part, buddy. Despite knowing each other for a year, I guess our friendship didn’t exist until this week. I’m pretty damn sure the chemistry has always been there. But this is the way life falls and it wasn’t meant for anything more than that. And I think I’m okay with it, even though our eyes do meet in humorous moments and in such a short time, we wordless share sandwiches and the occasional drink as if we’ve been doing it for years. I didn’t jump that cliff for him. I can promise that. But I did jump knowing he would at the bottom to yank me out when I panicked and drowned. I don’t remember much of it other than jumping, screaming, closing my eyes and hitting the water and getting pulled out. A lot of laughter, patting on the back and the girls on the shore thinking I was insane.
I miss my apartment. Not that I don’t love being home, but that apartment was me, my space, my solace. It was painful closing the door behind and locking it one more time. The first thing that went in was the last thing that went out as a friend helped me lug the old Walmart futon mattress (that has slept many guests) to the dumpster. He seemed a bit bummed too; it was his first post-college apartment as much as it was mine and hearing our voices echo made me want to blink my eyes back to the way it looked a month ago. I never thought leaving St. Louis would be so heartbreaking. It actually felt like those days after the end of a relationship when you know it was the best choice, but that feeling in your chest won’t go away.
And I just got an email from this guy, basically saying he was sad I was gone and thanking me for a cupcake and note I sent him right before I left. Hilarious. Good timing, buddy.
It’s weird slowing down. I’m so used to being on the go and now I just have time to breathe. It’s a good thing, but the workaholic in me is itching to do something. But I have to do this one day at a time, at my own pace and remember to continually living my life like I have in the last 6 months: with heart, with exuberant passion and with an undying desire for adventure.
On my last day today, I did the quintessential MO thing and went on a float trip. I suddenly decided the weather was too perfect on Sunday to miss an opportunity to have one more adventure and so the next thing I knew, I had pushed back my leaving day a day later and was planning a float trip. And oh, was the weather so perfect. A gorgeous 85, slightly overcast with the sun coming out at the right times. A raft of 3 young boys kept drifting near us until the youngest one (must have been about 7) and asked the 13-year old why. His response: “Because I want to see the boobs!” Ah, low cut bathing suits.
I think I could have laid on that raft forever, listening to the drunken laughter of my friends and wishing life could always be this good. I had said a sad good-bye to my apartment (think Sex and the City movie when Carrie closes the door behind her) and the car was packed to the tippy top. So I had nothing to do but float on a lazy river in Missouri. All day, my heart hurt. I never actually thought leaving here would make me feel heartbreak, but it clinched in my chest and settled in my stomach. Secretly, I wanted the day to last forever, so I could always have the potential of leaving tomorrow but forever enjoying that last day.
When we got to the end, there was a giant cliff to dive off of. The guys jumped with little problems as I snapped away with the old-school disoposable camera. Oh, how I wanted to jump! But I’m a weak swimmer, deeply fear deep water and really, let’s be honest, that’s insane! My heart wouldn’t let go of the idea. Because WHY NOT? I had already thrown my life into the wind and was flying at the seat of my pants; might as well cliff jump into a river. And then suddenly, I said yes and was climbing up the rocky incline and standing very high above the 2 guys promising they would save me if I started drowning.
It felt like I stood there forever, but it must have been only 10 minutes. A lot of talking, a lot of promises, a lot of fear. The rest of the girls were yelling at me to abort the mission, but something made me stay up there. “Stop thinking and just jump!,” they yelled from the bottom.
And so I did.
Oh wait, that’s right. I’m moving again in August.
I think in the last week, I’ve had about 20 panic attacks. With every step I take, my heart is slamming against my chest and my brain can’t think beyond, “Holy shit. What did I get myself into?” I’ve moved plenty times before so I’m not sure what about this one has made me completely break down. Maybe the realization that my “awesome” plan wasn’t thought out very well. I’ve barely eaten a full meal in days; last night in the dead silence of my apartment, I had so replug my microwave back in from its spot atop the boxes in the living room to heat up some soup. There’s no internet, no television, no radio, no computer, no people. Just me surrounded by a mountain of boxes and wanting to just curl up in a ball and make it all go away.
Even at my office going away party Wednesday as I hugged everyone bye, I could feel the anxiety coming on stronger. Even the tirmasau with a sketch of a plane flying to Europe didn’t seem to calm me down. Last night at my last softball game (I had a single, a double and an RBI!), I wanted to stay out playing just to avoid going back to my apartment. A friend has kindly offered to store everything that can’t fit in my SUV and to my horror, it was a lot more than I realized. So in the heat of today, I ran to U-haul to get a trailer for tomorrow. Clearly, a stupid move. Because who goes looking for a trailer the few days before a giant move in the busiest season? Me, that’s who.
Maybe it’s doing this whole thing really alone that’s making me like this. Today I packed my car by msyelf with my little hand cart my dad got me when I first moved to college and felt pretty proud of myself for getting the biggest boxes up into my Highlander on my own, but it all felt so lonely. It’s not even a “I don’t want to ask for help” situation but everyone is busy with real life and work and the last thing anyone wants to do is help move in 80 degree weather. Why do I have such weird guilt issues?
Must find food. Must not stop breathing. Must make it to Europe.
