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Why do couples like taking so many self-portraits and/or couple shots? Over and over and over again? And then post the same shot 5 times with varying head tilts and lighting? On occasion, the viewer gets lucky and it’s a black and white version with one object colored. Yay!
[/cynical rant]
Dear, 5 friends getting married in the next 4 months,
Please do not be offended when I say this, but your weddings are bankrupting me.
Thank you and congratulations,
Jane Moneypenny
I am not a hater of weddings. Far from it, but when you decide to put your wedding in the middle of nowhere Mississippi where neither of your families are from, I’m going bitch a little. Because flights to the nearest big city aren’t cheap. Throw a rental car, gas and hotel room on top of that and I’m about to spend half a grand for one night. A stripper would probably be cheaper!
Sorry, readers, but it’s that time of year. In a few weeks, I “jet” off to my first wedding in the previously mentioned MS. Because they are dear and close friends, I have no choice in skipping this wedding. I was one of the first people they called to announce the engagement and I couldn’t live with the guilt of not going.
The weekend after that, I fly off to Big Bear Lake (2 hours outside of Ontario) for my college roommate’s wedding. It’s going to be a beautiful intimate wedding and another one I absolutely cannot miss. More money and more headaches of how to get where I need to.
In August, my co-worker gets married (in Austin, thankfully), but a gift will put me back another amount. In October, 2 more weddings, both in New Orleans and 2 weeks apart, causing a travel nightmare. 3 of the above mentioned couples are in the same group of friends, meaning different dresses.
I really don’t mind weddings. If anything, I love helping friends plan, but the amount of money spent is astounding to me. And the ones that have gotten married (yay for growing up in the South!) are starting to pop out babies.
If I ever get hitched, please don’t be offended when I don’t invite you to my elopement.
Over and out.
There are some days (okay, most) that I really hate this job to my core. I knew it was going to be hard when I took this job, but this is pushing my every last bit of patience and soul. My boss got fired (not laid-off) a month ago, I’m still feeling like a producing hound and having to see Mr. Co-worker every day doesn’t help (although we’ve seen to established an ability to act like the other doesn’t exist). On top of that, the girls that I once trusted here seem to have lost their minds and abandoned and outcasted me.
But the economy is bad so I have to be grateful I have this job and a source of income. I feel guilty even thinking these hateful and negative thoughts, but it consumes me day in and day out. Would I have been happy if I had taken the other job in New Orleans? Maybe, but maybe not. There’s no way to ever know and it’s pointless to ever ask that.
It’s been 6 months and it’s been hard. So hard. There are moments or short-lived days where I feel happy, satisfaction and pride that I’ve come this far. But the majority of the time, I’m just drained from having to keep pushing forward with this much energy. I don’t really know how else to do it. If I just sit back and wait for life to happen, I go against every “life” rule of “fighting for what you want.” If I keep going at the rate I’m going, I’m destined for a complete shutdown (which is already happening). People keeps saying, “Give it time. It takes at least a year to feel IT when you move and make such a life change.”
I long ago stopped believing that “things happen for a reason.” Nowadays, I just feel like “Crap happens. Random. Bad luck.”
Apparently I need to learn patience.
When I first moved here, I jumped into anything that could throw me into situations to make new friends. Despite my painful shyness, I tried my best to always go for things and not say no.
One of these things was – let’s call it basketball (it’s not, but go with it). The friend that I was staying with happened to be co-captain of a recreational team. Needing to work out and make friends, I joined despite having no skill or experience whatsoever. There’s a out-of-town competition next week, so I got thrown into the middle of intense practices. 3 times a week, often early on Sat mornings and after work on Wed. I’ve pushed myself pretty hard and been incredibly enthusiastic about the whole experience, including designing the team shirts.
I’ve been to every single practice (barring one on Saturday due to driving a U-haul back from New Orleans) since I’ve moved here, only to find out today they were only going to put me in one game. As in, the entire weekend is filled with about 7 games, but he’s putting me in one. On Sunday. On a team of 25+, I was the weakest girl. There has to be a min of 8 girls on the all times and we happen to have 9, so guess who’s the weakest link?
Since I got the email this morning, I’ve run the gamut of emotions from anger, embarrassment, stupidity and disappointment. I get it. I really do. I’ve been in the leadership role before and having to make those kind of choices is hard. I don’t agree with their decision at all, but it is what it is. In the past in similar situations, I’ve gone with the “fair and right” choice, even if it meant the group not being it’s shiniest or most polished. I had always felt it was about the individuals and the experience gained, but this situation is different. And I’m competitive, so I get it. But it hurts badly and a part of me is so tired of putting so much into everything I do and only have it come out with a few crumbs.
But that’s life, right? I always wondered the mentality of Olympic athletes that train their lives away to be the absolute best, but sometimes not make the team with a difference of 1 second. And as NBC always waxes on about those come-from-behind stories, those athletes just train harder and come back. So yeah, the “rah-rah” thing to do would be to push myself harder and continue to be who I am, enthusiastic and passionate, even if I’m the damn water girl. Be my best at the one measly crappy race.
I have no regrets; I couldn’t have pushed myself harder than I have or done anything different to be better. It’s been a great challenge and I’ve made new friends from it, but I’m also human and right now, I feel like a loser. It’s middle school all over again and I’ve been picked last.
I debated for awhile if I was going to write this entry, but I decided I would be too much of a hypocrite not to. I can understand if anyone stops reading this after the first line, but given the situation, I feel like I have to explain my feelings. Take it or leave it.
I haven’t really given much thought to the massive earthquake in China today. I’ve been in my own world, packing and thinking about myself and everything that needs to get done in the next few weeks. When I finally sat down to catch the news online and on TV, I realized how bad it was.
10,000 people.
10,000. Not 2,000 or 3,000 but 10,000. And probably much much more. That’s bigger than my college university student body. It pains me to think about this and the relatively quiet coverage it’s gotten. CNN’s playing election coverage right now. It’s easy to really just turn away from it or not feel any connection. During and after Katrina, so many of my friends just didn’t understand, didn’t reach out or just shrugged it off. I couldn’t comprehend how they didn’t grasp the situation. It pissed me off and I spent so many weeks angry at them for not being there. A lot of them hemmed and hawed about coming back home with me and truthfully, I distanced myself from them for awhile. I get that maybe they didn’t know how to help, but I couldn’t help but question friendships. I understand it now much more, of course. It’s so easy to ignore disasters or events like that when you’re not invovled. I guess it hurt that as my friends, they would WANT to be there.
One of the few friends that did reach out to me was half a world away, studying abroad in China. I messaged him today but I haven’t heard back, so here’s to hoping all my friends and family there pop up okay soon.
I guess my point is, stuff like this makes everything that I struggle with so tiny in comparison. I wanted so badly for something to help after the storm; I can’t even imagine what’s going on in China right now. Say what you want about their human rights or politics, but something this disastrous puts us all back to being humans on an equal level. It humbles a person, ya know? It makes me feel self-absorbed and selfish and sometimes, makes me wonder why I remain friends with those that are like this daily. Is that a legit concern?
I don’t know. I’m rambling and ranting a little. About 10 fire trucks just zipped by my window. The Cards have been losing. The Hornets have been losing. Yes, I realize sports are SO insignificant but I’m in a generally blah mood. Sigh. Sorry for this slightly angry and depressing post, but the situation was too serious not to say something.
