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I’ve realized recently I have a slight obsession with hobbies, as well as never sticking with them. This last year alone, I’ve gotten into boot camp, swimming, hiking Kilimanjaro, a safari, photography, yoga, jazz piano and book club. Because of my possible ADD and desire to try and do everything, I’ve become a mediocre Renaissance woman, dabbling in everything possible. I wish I could just focus on one and get great at it, but my I’m too restless and anytime I see an opportunity to learn, I grab it. Needless to say, my mind is rarely quiet. Curses from being Type A.
Mel wrote a great blog today about confidence and finding 5 things you’re confident about and celebrating them. I am the rocking reigning queen of self-deprecating humor, tinged with sarcasm that ends up being a little too biting sometimes. Growing up in a Chinese culture, Catholic society and being the oldest, I’ve never been good at taking compliments or finding what’s good about myself. So along with my resolutions mentioned in the last entry, I’m going to focus on finding confidence, as hard as it will be.
5 Things I’m Confident About
1. Wit and humor: I’ve been told I’m a funny girl, especially when it comes to trading banter. And finding humor in the non-funny, like getting lost.
2. Desire for adventure: I will always try my best to live life to the fullest, even if I’m scared out of my mind.
3. My smile: A friend told me awhile ago I seem to have the same “brilliant grin” in all my pictures and he jokingly wished I would change it up sometimes. I’ve tried, but I can’t help it. I smile big and it cheered up the DMV photographer when I got my license at 16 so I will continue smiling big!
(This is getting hard…I’m was struggling after 2. How am I going to find 5?!)
4. Independence: Actually, I’m really confident about this aspect of me. I, like many, left for college at 18, became financially independent at graduation. Now, at the age of 26, I have a financial consultant, CPA, a condo that I rent out, a car that I paid for myself, a good secure job (even if I hate it), mutual funds for dire emergencies, my own IRA separate of work’s 401K, a network of professionals and resources and some decent cooking skills. Not too bad for a girl in her mid-20s (I refuse to say late 20s until April).
5. Low-maintenanced: This is an iffy one. Low-maintenance has often blurred with low standards and it’s something I need to differentiate, especially with guys. But overall, I’m confident not having the latest fashions, expensive shoes or wearing makeup (for sheer reasons of laziness, not because I’m confident in my looks).
That was a lot harder than I thought. Good thing the task wasn’t to list 10. My first instinct was to list 5 things I need to work on right after the confident list, but for today, I think I’ll put that in the back and be confident in the things I’m good at.
In the year of insane Jane things to do, I’ve come up with another. And I’m keeping it a secret (well, as secret as the world wide web can get).
On the heels of an incredible trip to Puerto Rico with 3 friends (2 of who do triathlons), I realized a desperate need to lose weight, get in better shape and swim better. Despite taking the first steps of swim lessons this past summer, hiking Kilimanjaro and being on a year-round paddling team, I still feel like it’s a struggle with weight and keeping up with others.
When hiking, I walk slow, mostly due to an innate clumsiness that will lead to numerous rolled ankles if I try to keep up with everyone else. When I swim, I still panic in the deep end even though I know better (although I finally accomplished floating this year). And running is an entire other story. It’s pathetic that I can’t go more than 0.2 mile before I give up. But like everything in my life, I will enter with ridiculous enthusiasm and hope I don’t die out like I did with jazz piano.
With 2010 around the corner, my goal is to find small successes and victories instead of huge sweeping ideas of life change. A week in Puerto Rico cleared my head in a way that Africa didn’t. There were no thoughts of Pen or Mr. Anti-Committement or any men, for that matter (mostly because one of the guys in the group was a ridiculously hot toned athlete from Europe). It did make me face things I want to fix about myself: a need to slow down, relax and let life happen.
Other goals? Learn how to salsa and get better at photography (I FINALLY allowed myself to get the DSLR I’ve been debating about for 2 years).
Slow down, you crazy child
you’re so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?
Oh, Kilimanjaro. How I both love and hate you. You challenged me in ways I never thought possible. You pushed every ounce of energy, emotion and life out of me and every time I thought I had reached that day’s destination, you presented another slope up and laughed.
And so what if I hiked 95% of the time alone as I watched people, including my own friends, run past me? I did it my way, slowly and surely. And yes, you may have knocked me down four hours from the top with your snobby altitude, but for a girl that grew up under sea level and has never climbed a mountain, I came and conquered.
2 weeks later, my mind is still mush. The memories of you are mashed together, leaving me confused and blurred, making me question if I ever experienced what I did. I feel removed, detached and almost emotionless about this grand journey. Images flash sometimes, but I still live with a heavy heart that I don’t understand.
Maybe I put too much stock in you changing my life. After all, Kilimanjaro, you are one of the 7 Summits, the roof of Africa and immortalized by Hemingway. Although the characters in The Snows of Kilimanjaro never actually try to climb the mountain, Harry goes on the safari to get his life back on track and views Kili as a symbol of truth, purity and goodness.
But did you change me? I still feel restless, unsure of the life I’m leading and the person I’m becoming. My fate is what I make of it, but I’ve found that often, no matter how hard I try, I still fall short. And that’s okay. That’s the part I need to learn. Life can’t be measured by the number of successes of grand goals, but small victories.
Kilimanjaro, I may not be back, but I’m going to continue to push as hard and make it to the top some day.
I leave with these great lyrics from Billy Joel. I need to learn from this song. I need to stop being consumed with this obsession of living my life to the fullest and cramming every adventure into every moment right NOW. And remember to enjoy the moments. The journey, not the destination.
Slow down, you’re doing fine
You can’t be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,…
Too bad but it’s the life you leave
you’re so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you’re wrong, you know
You can’t always see when you’re right. you’re right
You’ve got your passion, you’ve got your pride
but don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize,
Vienna waits for you?
-Billy Joel, Vienna
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- The view after going up a vertical Barraco Wall.
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- I can never get enough of these clouds.
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- I’m so sick of hiking at this point.
Last year while Greek island hopping, I swore the crystal clear waters and mountains and beaches were probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen or would see. The rich blues of Greece were the epitome of beauty, peace and happiness.
Then I went to Africa and was introduced to an entire new view of breathtaking. Instead of the bright blues and colors of Europe, Tanzania was all earth – browns, greens, dust. And all I could think was “wow.” Hanging out the rooftop of the Land Rover and looking out to the endless plains of the Serengeti was something I never thought was possible. Pictures can never fully capture the true scenery.
What was even more exciting was the wildlife! On paper, a safari sounded fun, but nothing to write home about. After all, how different could it be from Disney World’s Magic Kingdom? I hadn’t given it much thought due to all concentration on Kilimanjaro, but it ended up as a huge highlight. Camping in the middle of the Serengeti with animals roaming by our tents was nothing short of surreal.
One camp, in the middle of the night while going to the bathrooms, C discovered two lioness in the men’s bathroom. I was on the other side of the short wall, about to go (and I really needed to go) when I hear a growl, a bam and open the door to see him bolting out of the bathroom, yelling “lions in the bathroom!”
At another campsite, there were giant beautiful elephants hanging out, drinking water and wandering around as if it was a daily occurrence. What I would give to see it sit on a car!
One of my favorite moments was watching a leopard eat a gazelle in a tree. While I usually get bored and change channels during these shows on TV (unless it’s Planet Earth), I was riveted to watch this beautiful creature go after his prey. Circle of life, indeed.
And then there was the herd of 40 elephants crossing our path. Just incredible!
So I have to admit, wildlife in its real setting was something I can’t really capture in words. It seems like a dream to gaze across endless plains and animals with no wires or gates. Just nature at its best. Too bad we missed the Serengeti migration by a month!
Thoughts and more pics on Kilimanjaro soon.
Against all odds, I made it.
Okay, I made it most of the way; my body just refused the last 4 hours. Of course, I’m devastated, but this was out of my control, so there is nothing to do but be proud of how far I got. No one (and I mean NO ONE) believed I could do it, but strangely enough, I never doubted myself. Through all the pain, exhaustion and fear, I never lost faith. Maybe there really is an underlining confidence I never realized existed. Whatever it was that kept pushing me forward is something I need to always remember. Maybe the years of heartbreak made hiking a mountain a realm of possibility.
There were moments when I thought I couldn’t put another foot forward, times when I just wanted to collapse from exhaustion and pain. I hiked most of Kilimanjaro alone, at my slow slow pace, absorbing the scenery and thoughts of life. Anytime my mind tried to wander to something pleasant like my favorite beach on Naxos, happy moments with Pen or a delicious steak dinner, the thoughts would snap away, as if the memories never existed. Left, right, left, right. That’s all that would stick. All of the guides or porters were worried, mumbling among themselves if I could do it and at the end of each day, I proved them wrong until the main guide even admitted I was strong.
But on summit night, I felt anything but strong. Severe acute mountain sickness is nothing to joke about, but mentally, I wanted to keep pushing. It’s not a failure, of course, and I have to remind myself WHY I did this challenge in the first place: to learn to not be so hard of myself all the time, to learn to be proud of where I am and what I’ve done.
I came home to the bad news that my aunt had ovarian cancer. Other than that devastating news, I don’t feel anything different. I thought I would return, free of past guilts, feelings towards Pen, and ready to start a new chapter of my life. But life is life and when I return to work Monday, things will be back to normal. Sigh.
More on the amazing safari and Africa in general soon!
So I did it. I put my feelings out there for him just as a FYI so he would know. I told him and it went exactly how I thought it would. My own intuition scares me sometimes. It’s funny, isn’t it? In the beginning, I figured this would happen. For a fleeting moment, I thought “This will be like Mr. (former) Anti-Committment; he chases after you, you’re half-interested. But in the end, the situation is swapped and you always get hurt.” Oh, how I need to learn.
He was supposed to be different. And he is. But when it comes down to it all, I guess all guys are the same; this one just executed it differently. Surprisingly, I’m not angry at him. I have no regrets, strangely enough. More than anything, it set a hard reminder to myself that I’m better off on my own. I should have listened to my friend when he said, “If there was no talk about the future, there is none. Leave it.” I apparently need to start listening to him more.
The last time I felt like this was during the Mr. Co-worker situation in the beginning of the year. That one, I was stupid. This one, I wasn’t. Pen IS different. I’m not making excuses for him but I should have known his “casual” isn’t very casual. He’s never done this before. I should have known better. He didn’t run away from the conversation, however, and we remain good friends. But it still hurts a hell of a lot. It’s so strange. He did everything he was supposed to with respecting me. He did what I hope every guy will treat me like: buys dinner, holds me, makes sure I’m okay, talks to me. I told him in the future, if he ever does the casual thing again, he should probably stay away from cuddling, no matter how innocent it is. Maybe the other way is really easier. It’s harsher and a quick band-aid rip. Pen’s way drew me in and then I forgot reality sometimes. Hilarious that I was worried about hurting him in the beginning.
I’m not sorry for my feelings. I’m not sorry for everything that happened. I’m sorry that I didn’t speak up sooner; I’m sorry I was stupid enough to think he actually cared for me beyond all this. And yes, we’re friends, so he does care for me, but not in the way I thought he did. Is it always going to be like this? I don’t believe in The One, but I don’t believe that this is my life or my future. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to NY. I was fine before it; could have left it or taken it. But I can’t even say that I regret NY. I took a chance.
A lot of our convo seemed to be him commenting on how brave I was b/c when taking such giant risks like this, you have the courage to handle it when it goes wrong. Am I brave? I don’t feel it. I feel weak for having landed here, half in love with this guy that I thought would change everything. But maybe that’s just it. I do better when I’m on my own. I accomplish more on my own. I find my own happiness. That’s been my motto for a long time and I need to remember that. I’m going to climb Kili alone and I’m going to keep pushing forward, focusing on me. No more distractions, no more guys, no more swooning. Just Jane.
So I did it. I put my feelings out there for him just as a FYI so he would know. I told him and it went exactly how I thought it would. My own intuition scares me sometimes. It’s funny, isn’t it? For a fleeting moment, I thought “This will be like Mr. (former) Anti-Committment; he chases after you, you’re half-interested. But in the end, the situation is swapped and you always get hurt.” Oh, how I need to learn.
He was supposed to be different. And he is. But when it comes down to it all, I guess all guys are the same; this one just executed it differently. Surprisingly, I’m not angry at him. I have no regrets, strangely enough. More than anything, it set a hard reminder to myself that I’m better off on my own. I should have listened to my friend when he said, “If there was no talk about the future, there is none. Leave it.” I apparently need to start listening to him more.
The last time I felt like this was during the Mr. Co-worker situation in the beginning of the year. That one, I was stupid. This one, I wasn’t. Pen IS different. I’m not making excuses for him but I should have known his “casual” isn’t very casual. He’s never done this before. I should have known better. He didn’t run away from the conversation, however, and we remain good friends. But it still hurts a hell of a lot. It’s so strange. He did everything he was supposed to with respecting me. He did what I hope every guy will treat me like: buys dinner, holds me, makes sure I’m okay, talks to me. I told him in the future, if he ever does the casual thing again, he should probably stay away from cuddling, no matter how innocent it is. Maybe the other way is really easier. It’s harsher and a quick band-aid rip. Pen’s way drew me in and then I forgot reality sometimes. Hilarious that I was worried about hurting him in the beginning.
I’m not sorry for my feelings. I’m not sorry for everything that happened. I’m sorry that I didn’t speak up sooner; I’m sorry I was stupid enough to think he actually cared for me beyond all this. And yes, we’re friends, so he does care for me, but not in the way I thought he did. Is it always going to be like this? I don’t believe in The One, but I don’t believe that this is my life or my future. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to NY. I was fine before it; could have left it or taken it. But I can’t even say that I regret NY. I took a chance.
I don’t hate him; we remain very close friends. In fact, it was probably the most mature adult conversation I’ve had about this kind of stuff. I can’t even breath the usual words “jerk” or “asshole” or “spineless” in the same sentence because he’s not.
A lot of our convo seemed to be him commenting on how brave I was because when taking such giant risks like this, you have the courage to handle it if it goes wrong. Am I brave? I don’t feel it. I feel weak for having landed here, half in love with this guy that I thought would change everything. But maybe that’s just it. I do better when I’m on my own. I accomplish more on my own. I find my own happiness. That’s been my motto for a long time and I need to remember that. I’m going to climb Kili alone and I’m going to keep pushing forward, focusing on me. No more distractions, no more guys, no more swooning.
Just Jane.
I hit my year anniversary in Austin last week. A year ago, I got into a ridiculously bad car accident on my first weekend here, which also happened to be my ex-bf’s birthday. This year, it was lingering in the back of my mind, but faded quickly as I laughed and screamed through the Coney Island Cyclone roller coaster. Last year, I was stressed and lonely and hysterical. This year, I spent a glorious beautiful weather weekend in NYC with old friends and the crush that seems to never fully go away.
Although I got late Friday night, I didn’t see him until Saturday evening due to busy schedules, the US Open and a checklist of people I needed to see. Up to that point, he had slipped from my mind as I busied myself preparing for Africa and he for a trip to Costa Rica. But when I walked off the subway and saw him grinning at me across the street, all doubts flew out of my head. Is it possible he got better looking since I last saw him?
He gave me options for our plans that night, one of them involving a long walk up a hill through the Cloisters. He being in the camp that I needed to train more for Kilimanjaro strongly hinted at that one so I sighed and agreed. The sun was setting over the Hudson, the weather was cool and there was green all around. It’s as someone directed the perfect scenery for a romantic walk.
We had dinner at a small Italian place by his apartment. Conversation was smooth and fast flowing, filled with laughter and teasing. He lamented over the true meaning of “adoration” and how sad he was it’s gotten lost through time due to the “cuteness” of the word “adore” and “adorable.” To truly have adoration for something is to love and respect and be passionate about it. His adoration is for tennis and Africa, where he did Peace Corp for years. Deep down, I hoped he would have adoration for me some day.
He’s not an emotional man; he’s passionate about a few things, but generally, a stoic person. On the rare chance he makes a comment about us or me, he’s sincere to the point I desperately wish for more moments. My friends find him overwhelming great, probably because he’s so opposite of my usual. As we’re riding the subway, Smallbone giggles and whispers, “He’s so dreamy, Jane! I’m in love with him for you.”
But all these happy good feelings are just that. I leave for Africa next week and I wonder if he’ll fade from my memories or if he’ll move on. There was no talk about the future. Maybe that’s what happens when you live in the moment. The DTR (Define the Relationship) was looming in my head, but I pushed it away. What’s the point? He’s there, I’m here and there’s nothing to debate. But when I fall asleep in his arms and he comments that we fit together very well, I find myself wondering about the future.
Reality bites.
Girl sees hot guy.
Girl trips over feet as turning.
Girl falls flat on her face.
Hot guy’s mom heads over but stops as hot guy makes sure I didn’t twist my ankle.
General response: “Jane, if you fall while walking in flip flops, how are you going to make it up Mount Kilimanjaro?”
Yes, you heard/read right. In September, I’m using all my vacation days and going to Africa to climb Kilimanjaro. And I’m freaking out. Freaking out about being away from work for 2 weeks, panicking about lack of internet (I’m a geek!) for so long, not making it up the summit, being ditched, altitude sickness, etc, etc etc.
When the idea first came out, I laughed. I’ve never hiked a mountain in my life; I don’t even own hiking boots. But before I knew it, things were falling into place. Work was okay with it, my parents encouraged it, all my co-workers said I had to. Half my friends were excited for me; the other half are shocked and in disbelief that I can pull this off.
But you know what? I’m young, single, and always looking for a challenge and adventure. So here I go!
Despite having one of those unforgivable life-changing years, I ended up spending the last day with no plans. In the last 3 hours of 2008, I was alone in my apartment, but on the phone with one best friend, who lives states away from her Marine-husband and online with another best friend, who’s boyfriend is staying with her family as she goes slowly insane. All 3 of us in vastly different stages of life, but all unhappy on NYE. It was a startling reminder that maybe the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
So 2008 ended with a quiet whimper. No crazy party, no giant blow-out celebration for an incredibly amazing year. I was disappointed and sad not to be home in New Orleans with the annual traditions of the 31st, but at 12:01, as predicted, my loving friends called from the same balcony they have every year to whoever isn’t there.
It’s almost embarrassing to admit I was alone, but it’s just another day in theory. The clock continues to tick and life goes on. It may not have ended the way I wanted it to, but it certainly doesn’t stop my momentum for having an even better 2009!
I used to make resolutions, break them, feel bad and laugh it off. But last year, I actually accomplished all mine from making new friends to moving out of St. Louis to backpacking in Europe to starting over in a new city. I even followed through with the promise to not get caught up with guys that would be an obstacle to those dreams. Even though I’m a very different person emotionally and mentally than I was a year ago today, I think I’m still haunted by the looming feeling of loneliness that used to seep into my life in St. Louis. So in 2009, I’ll swallow my fear of social situations and dating and new things and keep pushing forward! Always seek adventure.
Other realistic resolutions (instead of making vague general ones, I’m going to make specific ones so it’ll actually happen):
LEARN JAZZ PIANO: a life dream of mine, so I start lessons next week! After playing classical piano for 12 years until I went to college, I miss the ivories and will attempt to make a return.
LOSE 20 POUNDS BY JUNE: I’ll continue to take 5-6 flights of stairs up and down everyday. One day, I’ll manage to go from floor 5-17. Someday. Walk to places to eat at work when we go out and take a 20 minute walk even when I have lunch at work.
TRAVEL MORE: I’m addicted. Wanderlust (or maybe I’m a wanderslut…). Will find time and money somehow to continue this dream! Maybe South America in early April?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH DRUNK GUYS: Due to my lack of drinking, it happens often that I end up in bed with drunk guys. And yes, technically I’m the one in control here (“you SO took advantage of him being wasted,” laughed a friend), but the emotional afterwards is too confusing and achy. I have a feeling this one will be the toughest one to keep. Amazing how different things were a year ago…
With that said, good luck to everyone and their resolutions! What are some of yours?
