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In the year of insane Jane things to do, I’ve come up with another. And I’m keeping it a secret (well, as secret as the world wide web can get).
On the heels of an incredible trip to Puerto Rico with 3 friends (2 of who do triathlons), I realized a desperate need to lose weight, get in better shape and swim better. Despite taking the first steps of swim lessons this past summer, hiking Kilimanjaro and being on a year-round paddling team, I still feel like it’s a struggle with weight and keeping up with others.
When hiking, I walk slow, mostly due to an innate clumsiness that will lead to numerous rolled ankles if I try to keep up with everyone else. When I swim, I still panic in the deep end even though I know better (although I finally accomplished floating this year). And running is an entire other story. It’s pathetic that I can’t go more than 0.2 mile before I give up. But like everything in my life, I will enter with ridiculous enthusiasm and hope I don’t die out like I did with jazz piano.
With 2010 around the corner, my goal is to find small successes and victories instead of huge sweeping ideas of life change. A week in Puerto Rico cleared my head in a way that Africa didn’t. There were no thoughts of Pen or Mr. Anti-Committement or any men, for that matter (mostly because one of the guys in the group was a ridiculously hot toned athlete from Europe). It did make me face things I want to fix about myself: a need to slow down, relax and let life happen.
Other goals? Learn how to salsa and get better at photography (I FINALLY allowed myself to get the DSLR I’ve been debating about for 2 years).
There are some days (okay, most) that I really hate this job to my core. I knew it was going to be hard when I took this job, but this is pushing my every last bit of patience and soul. My boss got fired (not laid-off) a month ago, I’m still feeling like a producing hound and having to see Mr. Co-worker every day doesn’t help (although we’ve seen to established an ability to act like the other doesn’t exist). On top of that, the girls that I once trusted here seem to have lost their minds and abandoned and outcasted me.
But the economy is bad so I have to be grateful I have this job and a source of income. I feel guilty even thinking these hateful and negative thoughts, but it consumes me day in and day out. Would I have been happy if I had taken the other job in New Orleans? Maybe, but maybe not. There’s no way to ever know and it’s pointless to ever ask that.
It’s been 6 months and it’s been hard. So hard. There are moments or short-lived days where I feel happy, satisfaction and pride that I’ve come this far. But the majority of the time, I’m just drained from having to keep pushing forward with this much energy. I don’t really know how else to do it. If I just sit back and wait for life to happen, I go against every “life” rule of “fighting for what you want.” If I keep going at the rate I’m going, I’m destined for a complete shutdown (which is already happening). People keeps saying, “Give it time. It takes at least a year to feel IT when you move and make such a life change.”
I long ago stopped believing that “things happen for a reason.” Nowadays, I just feel like “Crap happens. Random. Bad luck.”
Apparently I need to learn patience.
As of January 13, this blog is one year old! It’s definitely been a whirlwind of a year for us and one that I couldn’t have imagined experiencing without spilling my guts to strangers who have become friends! So thanks to all our (very few) faithful readers that have continually watched Smallbone and I run around with our heads chopped off sometimes. 
Here’s to 2009 being an equally exciting year!
This is my 2009 theme song. My best friend and I were road tripping when it came on and she quickly turned to me and excitedly said, “This song is about you!”
More importantly, of course, it was an moving day. Whether or not you’re blue or red, it’s undeniable that it’s incredible to witness history. We all sat at work, glued to our computer screens watching the live feed and rapidly responding to each other’s Facebook comments. The air condition was broken (yes, it’s that warm in Austin), the building was shaking from construction, but it still a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And while I have a large group of friends that continue to be angry about this change (fun times growing up in New Orleans, ya know), I continue to be moved by everything that’s happened.
And really, how can you deny that love and adorableness that is the President and the First Lady? How exhausting to attend 10 balls! (And I’m so excited the designer of her dress is a 26 year old from my birthplace).
It’s been a rough few weeks. Despite telling myself I’ve been through much much worse, I can’t seem to ease this heartache. Seeing him 5 days a week doesn’t help the situation whatsoever. Apparently heartache is a bitch, no matter how many times you’ve been through it. I’m also spending my first NYE away from New Orleans, which isn’t going to help the “healing time.”
I’ve gotten a lot of platitudes lately, “It’ll be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end!” or “He’s a jerk, anyways. What guy hurts 2 girls so easily?” or “You work together; it would have been a disaster.” I know. I know all of this, but it doesn’t seem to lighten the ache that is in my chest. The entire situation keeps nagging me because in a way, I believed so strongly in our chemistry and how much we had in common that it seems so WRONG that it just dies. How is it possible we go from having great conversations and and hooking up to … nothing and acting like strangers?
I guess it can be argued in the last year, I’ve had numerous run-ins with chemistry (physical and otherwise) and I’m more than sure I’ll have many more in the future. The question is, when do you stay and fight for it and when do you walk away?
After 10 months of not a single bit of action, even kissing, the planets have aligned for a bizarre few weeks.
This is a long one, folks. My life is actually interesting this week.
Part of selling my soul to the corporate world means going on actual business trips, including training for new hires. So when I found out that the attractive funny co-worker was also in our small group heading to Santa Monica, I was excited to finally have a conversation with him. Since we don’t work together, we never had a conversation; I wasn’t sure if he even knew I existed!
Long story short, when we started talking, I found that we had a lot in common, both in world views, careers and endless wanderlust. During the cocktail hour the first night, we would catch the other’s eyes across the crowd and grin at the awkwardness of meeting new people. As time went by, he went from checking his email while kneeling at the foot of the bed to sitting on the bed to lying on the bed. I would even go as far to say that we had become friends (phone numbers exchanged the first day as we walked along the beach eating ice cream).
And in all cases of conferences, the last night is always the biggest party of it all. Good food, all alcohol paid for and a group of employees happy not to be at work. At 2am, as the group settled in a pool cabana at the hotel, we wandered to our own and proceeded to talk for hours until he had relatively sobered up and about to fall asleep.
Fall asleep? Yeah, right. After hours, he finally made a move (after massaging my calf when I pulled a muscle) and sleepily ducked his head and mumbled that wanted to kiss me. So yes, at 4am on a cool fall night, I found myself making out with a co-worker (witty banter included) in a heated cabana by the pool. Neither one of us could stay awake much longer and after an embarrassing walk pass the cleaning crew and back down to fix my non-working room card, we both crashed hard.
As of now, no bad awkwardness. We agreed to keep it quiet to avoid an HR nightmare or being the tail end of gossip. Not being able to sit on this big of a story, I had to tell my closest girlfriends at work – I have 100% trust in them – and their reaction seemed to validate everything. Since all of them have boyfriends, their main reply was, “I’m so jealous! He’s so cute. And funny. And awesome (insert increasing number of exclamation points).”
As for the semantics, as much as I like him and would love to see where it goes, we DO work together and that’s an iffy situation. At the same time, it’s rare to meet someone and have such a connection. Either way, if it took him forever to kiss me, I can’t imagine how long it’ll take to ask me out (trust me, I’ve given him numerous opportunities). As tempting as it is to make the first move, I’m tired of always being the first to connect after a hook-up and getting no response and feeling defeated. Since I see him every day, my anxiety level on the situation is surprisingly slow since there’s no constant voice in my head wondering, “When will I see him again? What if he never talks to me again?.” So I’m going to take a breather and sit on this one and just let it roll. See how much I’ve matured? 
On the other hand, there’s Mr. One Night Stand (ONS), who as of last night, became Mr. TNS.
My bad luck continues to follow me like a dark cloud over my head, no matter how far I run. Got into a car accident this weekend (right after I found a great apartment only to discover later that it’s a lot further southwest than I realized). It’s funny how, even at the age of 25 and being on my own, my first thought in an accident is “My parents are going to kill me.”
I was completely at fault due to ignoring the inner voice in my head to not drive forward in a left turn only lane. Of course, the other car wasn’t happy with me and claimed pain and neck problems. Meanwhile, I’ve stepped into a thorny bush on the side of the road and staring at disbelief at my bleeding ankle.
The next thing I knew, ambulance and fire truck have shown up (yes, really) and neck braces are being placed on the two people in the other car. By this time, I’ve gone into a weird calm full-on panic mode. I know I didn’t hit them that hard (it was right after a stop light); both cars were still drivable. Everyone at the scene basically ignored me as they tended to the others until finally an EMT asked if I was hurt. It’s amazing that in a situation like that I manage to keep my wits and sarcasm.
EMT: “What did you dooo?” (in a joking manner)
Me: “I didn’t hit them that hard. I’m so confused.”
EMT: “I know. Some people just, you know. It’ll be okay.”
Me: “Easy for you to say! You’re not sending 2 people to the hospital.”
He laughs and promises me it’ll be okay. After a long conversation with my insurance and the police (who weren’t very friendly) calling tow trucks (my front right bumper was hitting the tire), finding out Enterprise was closed and getting a ride home from the tow truck guy, I came home to find my friend had invited people over to welcome me to Austin. The people at the party were friendly enough, but not really friends I ever see myself becoming close to or being my sole source of a social life.
It must be something about hurricane season that causes car accidents for me; the day after Katrina, I got into an accident and pretty much broke down in the middle of rush-hour traffic. My parents took it a lot better than I thought; after the usual lectures of being more careful, they told me not to worry since there’s nothing I can do now. I’m not very close to my parents on a personal level; I consider them parents, not friends, so any talk of my own emotions are troubles in life are rarely brought up (not to say they don’t want t know). So I was surprised to find myself explaining how hard it was this first week with work, no friends, and all this change. And being the parents that they are, they assured it would get better; new places and changes are always hard.
This morning on my way to sign papers for the car and pick up a few items I left, I got horrendously lost (GPS couldn’t find the address and sent me an hour north), only to find that insurance had towed the other party’s car to the place instead of mine. Made it to work an hour later in the rental PT cruiser (this thing guzzles gas, ugh) to be handed some work that I don’t understand and the art director has been bad about explaining. This kind of work is not what I’m used to and what I’ve always strayed from, but I thought it would be good to learn new things, no matter how rough it will be.
With everything that’s going on personally, I’ve taken a step back from some people and realizing I need to stop investing so much into every single friendship. I’m exhausted, drained, homesick and lukewarm about my job.
I want to believe I made the right choice. I do, but right now, things are feeling so out of control that all I can think about is running away. It’s not that I have regrets, surprisingly, but just feeling unsettled and tired of spending money. My first paycheck in 3.5 months comes in a week.
Sigh. Trying to stay cheerful, optimistic and not whine too much. I’m determined to make this work.
*Thanks to Melissa for the awarding our little blog with the Brillante Award! I feel so honored. =)
I went grocery shopping for the first time in Austin yesterday. This may seem like a small event, but navigating a new grocery store is always a bigger task than you think. Also, it’s a personal victory when I get to a place without GPS or written instructions (making it a grand total of 3 places on the list).
The chain here is H.E.B. and I wasn’t sure what to expect other than they were everywhere. The moment I go there, I knew it would be a confusing time due to the fact I couldn’t even find the “enter” doors. Unlike most stores/groceries (this particular location anyway), the exit and enter weren’t next to each other. Baffled and unable to find shopping carts, I stood there watching until I found someone to follow in. Success!
In the first few minutes, I was overwhelmed. The layout was a huge maze with shiny lights and displays. Numerous times, I would stop my cart short, slamming my ankles into the shopping cart. It looked like Whole Foods to me and nothing like the dimly lit, cheap bag-your-own-grocery chain I’m used to in St. Louis or easy rows of Win Dixie/Walmart in New Orleans. They really do everything bigger in Texas.
As for general life, nothing’s changed. I’ve started looking at apartments, but I’m completely unaware of what areas are good or bad or considered too expensive. Reviews online are never good for apartments and the good ones are way beyond my price range. Work is continually rough due to these ridiculous transitions, so I sit at my lonely island desk, twirling and surfing the web. I’ve made headway with co-workers that have introduced themselves because of their connections to St. Louis or New Orleans or sports. I’ve taken the plunge and talked to a few familiar names given to me by my former co-worker in St. Louis and asked their opinions on where I should live. Other than that, it’s been nonstop meetings about the changes, getting lost in the office and wondering what the actual hours of this place is. Hopefully once the dust settles, things will be more clear and life will continue. Let’s all hope I still have a job after that.
I’m determined to push forward, no matter how scared, lonely and homesick I am.
First, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief for the passing that is Gustav, but also hope for the best in the communities that got hit badly. It was a tense weekend as I crashed on Mr. Former Harmless Crush’s couch with our laptops and watching the news with bated breath. He finally demanded we get out to take some time away from the doom and gloom, so we ran around Dave & Buster’s Sunday night and forgot about reality for a couple hours.
I left Houston on Monday and moved into Austin; the actual move was short since half my stuff is still in New Orleans. I still feel unsettled since I’m only at my friend’s temporarily until I make enough to move out and closer to work (a 40-minute heavy crawl in traffic to work is not worth the cheap rent and large space). I also have no idea where I’m going in this city and the newly purchased shiny GPS doesn’t ease the discomfort of being completely unaware of Austin’s geography and not knowing anyone.
My first day of work for the second time this year was yesterday. It was the exact opposite of my first day at my last company in February. One of my biggest worries was this “corporate” environment that I’m not used to, but I decided I was up for the challenge of learning more and experiencing outside my comfort zone. And outside my comfort zone it has proven to be.
When I arrived Tuesday morning, the HR woman greeted me warmly and showed me where I would be sitting. Due to the quickly expanding offices of these two companies sharing a space, I was stuck without a cubicle in a lone desk against a window with my back facing the rest of the large room. I hate this position due to sheer paranoia of people popping up behind me (I solved this problem at the last job by placing a little mirror on the wall). But it is what it is and until I find my place in situations, I’m painfully shy and passive. And so I sat. And sat. For an hour doing nothing but skimming over the folder of paper introducing me to the company and the usual computer setups. An hour later, HR lady showed up again and we went through a 30-minute explanation of an even bigger folder of paperwork (another woman started the same day, but was much older and a little cold). Then back to the desk I went. And sat and sat and sat some more.
I guess I was expecting a lunch excursion or a tour of the office or meeting the team, but no one spoke to me or wondered about the new person sitting there. And I kept on sitting there, surfing the web until the hunger pains became excruciating and encouraging emails from my old office sent me to the streets of downtown Austin looking for food. Of course, not knowing my way around, I wandered for a bit in the 90-degree heat and contemplated running away. The rest of the day was like that; other than a short meeting with the art director to show me some work, I spent the day alone at the desk reading encouraging emails from my old office and trying to tackle the large stack of paperwork. Also, to add to the hilarity of this situation, the art director had incredibly bad breath and body odor. No matter how much I leaned back in the seat or away from him, the smell permeated every breathing space around me.
Of course, there’s the usual comments of, “It’s the first day. It’ll get better” and “Maybe everyone was just very busy” (which is true, due to transitions in the company right now) and “Go talk to someone.” But I’m not kidding when I say I’m seized by a bizarre case of social anxiety in unknown and new situations. No matter how many new things I’ve tried this year, suddenly fixing that problem will not happen. So please don’t tell me to just start talking to people. Everyone’s really busy and due to these transitions this week, everyone’s tensed and stressed. Sitting here alone has made me feel like going to the bathroom and crying (that I couldn’t find for the first half of the day due to no tour of the office). I almost burst out crying yesterday after lunch and it takes a lot to even get to that point of holding back tears. The one person that introduced herself only stopped by after seeing my Greece photos on my desktop background and didn’t realize I was new until the end of the short 2 minute conversation.
I thought day 2 would be better, but here I sit again. I showed up 9am and frankly, I could have arrived hours later and no one would have noticed. I feel horribly homesick for my old job, St. Louis and New Orleans. I miss my giant large cubicle with massive file cabinets and pretty window view. I miss the close-knit environment of my funny co-workers that became like family in the short 4 months I was there. I miss having my boss be like a crazed uncle calling me on the phone whenever the ice cream truck ding-a-linged by. I miss Europe. I miss the feeling of being settled and knowing a city like the back of my hand. I miss having friends around.
But I knew it would be tough when I made this choice. Position-wise, I’m lower a rung, but being paid more. I took it with the idea that I could learn a lot in a bigger company, no matter how much I wasn’t a fan of the “corporate” environment. If anything, it was temporary until something better comes along. It’s not that I regret the choice to take this job/city over the other one; I know it’s the right long-term choice. But I’m not going to lie and say it’s hard not to think “what if?” or desperately crave familiarity.
And food.
P.S. Also, even though the attire of the office is casual with jeans and flip flops, all the girls are dressed incredibly cute. I do not own cute, so I need to go shopping (where the hell is the mall?!), but I have no money! And I need to find an apartment and furniture and move the rest of my stuff. I need to win the lottery.
The autumn wind, and the winter winds – they have come and gone
And still the days, those lonely days – they go on and on
And guess who sighs his lullabies – through nights that never end
My fickle friend, the summer wind
-The Summer Wind
This summer, the wind has decided to blow me every which way. Out of the comfort of St. Louis, into the wonder of Greece and Italy, through the beauty of California, the bigness of Texas and back home to New Orleans. As of Tuesday night, my decision was made. I decided to be excited and pro-active and embrace living in the city I grew up, no matter how tough it would be. It’s all in the attitude, right?
I wrote out 3 unsent emails at 1am that morning: one to Austin declining the job; another to the friends that were subject to my arguing in circles; a third to those unaware of it all. I would call New Orleans in the morning to give them my choice and see if they had agreed to the measly $1500/year salary increase (Austin had offered $4500 more). It was never about the money, but about New Orleans knowing I had better options and pay elsewhere. I fell asleep, completely at peace with my decision.
But life likes to mess with me or in this case, the summer wind. To my surprise, the boss wanted me to come in for another round of interviews and meet the interactive team to make sure we got along. This would have been all nice and dandy except a week ago, he had already offered me a job (I was lying on the ugly beach in Galveston when I got the call). And this is what’s nagged me about their process all along; they refused to talk salary until I demanded that I needed to know or I couldn’t make a decision. Confused by this sudden turn of events, I went in yesterday for one of the strangest interviews of my life.
I’m going to preface this with I’ve been on a lot of interviews in my life; one of my most embarassing stories happened at a round 2 interview that I uncharastically bombed (I’ll save this for another day; it’s a thing of legend). So when I walked in, I suddenly got the feeling it was going to be very similiar. These people must have had been handed a game plan on how to treat me in this interview because THREE rounds later, I was drained. They grilled me. And when I mean grill, I mean threw everything at me they could.
But I was prepared. I’m not sure what it was, but I stayed cool and answered their questions without a blink or a flinch. One girl who came in with some serious issues with me and was the meanest of the bunch:
“You seem to have moved up very quickly in the last three years (scribbles “4 months” on my resume and double underlines it). You went from senior designer to art director in that short of time, huh? Well, HERE, we have a hiearchy and it’s strict and we all follow it.”
Translation: “You can’t just waltz in! I want your job and you have to work for respect.”
“If I gave you X, how fast can you do it by? Because we’re on a timeline and we stick to it.”
Without even thinking, I snapped back, “How fast do you want it? If you want it in an hour, you get it an hour. Might not be its best, but you tell me what you need and I’m there.”
“Well, just so you know, working with the creative director means you have to give up your vision sometimes. At the end of the day, it’s his idea and his project, so you need to give up ego.”
I’ll spare the details of the next few rounds, but it was rough. Unlike the last interview I had like this, I didn’t blow it. Truthfully, I walked away filling confused about their intentions, but pretty damn proud of myself for rocking it. He promised I would get a call in the morning with a possible offer (negating the one he already offered me?!). So I spent a restless night trying to make a choice. This morning, he called bright and early and offered (with only a $500 increase); to his surprise, I told him I would call him back in an hour.
I panicked.
And panicked.
Then I remembered what someone told me: “Most people want to be a big fish in a small pond, but I think being a small fish in a big pond means you have room to grow and be a big fish in a big pond.”
And with that thought, I made the call and changed everything. Things move fast, don’t they? I move to Austin next weekend and start next Tuesday. A good friend is letting me stay with her until I make money to move to my own place and come back for the rest of my things. So that’s that. I’m jumping head in and after telling New Orleans my choice (they freaked and got mad that I was still considering Austin when I went in yesterday), I’m confident I chose the right place. I cannot wait to get back to work!
“If you truly expect to realize your dreams, abandon the need for blanket approval. If conforming to everyone’s expectations is the number one goal, you have sacrificed your uniqueness, and therefore your excellence.” – Hope Solo, U.S. Olympic Soccer
Gut feeling is always a strong thing, isn’t it? No one dares go against it, especially if you pull it out in an arguement or discussion. It’s a card that is thrown on the table that declares, “Take that! Prove me wrong.”
And wrong it’s never been. The few times I went against it proved to be a failure and me lamenting over my betrayal of that almighty force. It wasn’t wrong when I suspected my ex of hooking up with a mutal friend; it was dead on that I should take my last job, even if it was only for four months. That feeling will start as a tiny push of realization from a passing comment and it sticks to your gut, making you question every little thing.
So it’s with that said, I have yet to really come to a decision, as much as I know what the right one probably is. Not that there’s even a right or wrong, but what’s the best path for me right now. Do I live for the long-run and live for the moment? I’ve notoriously always followed the first school of thought, but maybe this time, I have to just do what I need to do right now. Or do I just jump in and take the risk? My gut says I’ll be okay, even great, with either decision. Can I really make a life for myself here? Doubts keep slipping in. How do I work against that when it says choose the dream job, but live in the other city? Guess you can’t have everything.
Up to this point, most everyone’s been incredibly supportive of either decision. And yes, I’m making this choice for me and not anyone else, but it’s been helpful to hear people’s take on my concerns of living in New Orleans or working in Austin. It’s proved valuable in helping me view things differently. The few friends that I swore would say one thing said another and showed me I need to give myself more credit in my ability to keep moving when things are down. The 2-3 people (guys mentioned previously in this blog) that have been adamant against New Orleans have made it tough; makes me feel like I’m not getting something crucial. There’s been a few arguments, strong words, angry emails, but in the end, I threw out the “gut feeling” and it was silenced. That and, “Please support me in any decision I make, yeah? Your support really matters to me.” The power of words, huh?
And gut’s not wrong when I suddenly got the feeling that Mr. Harmless Crush has a thing for one of my best friends. A girl just knows these things, right? And until recently, I never thought much of it until she reacted to something differently than usual. The schemantics and logistics don’t matter, but it still pricks at me a bit. But that’s what it is; there’s a million galaxies and planets all revolving around one point and that point isn’t me. I’ve got bigger things to fry.
The end.
