The Sad Reality of My Life

by Penelope Smallbone

Far less uplifting that Moneypenny’s post, this post is about the demise of my good humor. I know I’ve mentioned before that I am a very happy person. In general I love my life! I love the ups and downs, curveballs and surprises that life throws my way and gladly take each one in stride, believing that it will make me better in the end.

Lately I’ve been in a slump. I’ve been grumpy, felt lousy, been angry at people, frustrated and annoyed, all without the usual balance of sunshine and rainbows beaming from my face. And this week Mr. Flowers has decided to blow me off two nights in a row, after forcing me to watch sports over the weekend in my free time. (I say “blow off” but he did give advance notice both times and had legitimate reasons for canceling. Still, he hasn’t even managed to call me back to explain…)

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the primary reason I am such a happy person is because I am single. Yikes! That’s a scary statement coming from a young person such as myself. Will I ever mature to the point of accepting another person into my life? Or am I so scarred from my past 5 year relationship that I will never ever want to give up a part of myself again? OR, am I just in the wrong relationships all the time and maybe there is still a shred of hope that I won’t die alone and unloved on this earth? (sidenote: this pertains only to marital love. my friends and family love me to death!) It’s been two years since I broke up with NM, and the thought of having to give up my Sunday afternoon to sit inside and watch sports still makes me nauseous. I was over NM before we even broke up, so why am I still getting over the relationship?

I had all of these depressing thoughts while working late today to meet a deadline for tomorrow. Then I walked home in the rain, with the knowledge that I have yet again completely shut out this nice boy who says he wants to be my boyfriend, and I felt completely hopeless. Why do I even care that he hasn’t called me back? Why am I wasting energy on getting angry about that??

I want to say that I’m just not into this whole “marriage and commitment and compromise” idea because I’m being infiltrated with it at the moment. But I know it won’t slow down. This is just the beginning. Every year of my life will show more and more of my single friends being paired off. And I’m starting to think that although I meet plenty of people to “waste time with,” I’m never going to find someone who I actually want to share the rest of my life with. It’s so depressing.

And the most depressing thing is that all of these thoughts and feelings are brought on by the simple fact that a boy hasn’t called me.

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