Reflection, Induced by John Mayer

by Penelope Smallbone

I had a moment today. I was working away on some meaningless project and listening to my John Mayer playlist. The song was “Split Screen Silence,” and all of a sudden I felt saturated with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. I remembered in seventh grade when we sat around dreaming of the boys we wanted to date. We were so young and so naive and had no idea how to talk to boys or how to flirt, and we had no idea what we’d be doing with them once we reached maturity. But every young girl has this pristine idea of her future. I always thought I’d meet someone, fall in love the first time and then that’s it. Simple, predictable and complete. Needless to say, I am pleased that’s not how life has happened for me. I’ve so much more enjoyed the ups and downs of relationships, despite the fact that they can hurt so much sometimes.

I was completely lost in my head during my moment. It’s one of the few times recently where I completely left my physical surroundings in favor of a more euphoric cerebral experience. It was such an intense feeling… something that’s usually lacking from my days. There are so many things in my life that don’t require much thought, and as a result I miss a lot of that super-intense emotion that really makes life worth living. And so in relationships I have become a little numbed, too.

It has been approximately 1 year and 7 months since I felt true, deep emotion for another person. I was laying in bed with the Kickboxer on a Sunday afternoon. It was one of those hot, October afternoons where you just want to lay and enjoy the last bit of heat before the cold takes over everything. He was around me, hugging me, and I kept begging him to hug tighter. At that moment it felt like he couldn’t ever be close enough. It was such an intense feeling that I can’t even begin to describe: extreme joy, excitement, love and physical sense of belonging all happening at once.

Since then there have just been a lot of mediocre boys. No one as good as the Kickboxer. No one who makes me as happy. No one who touches me the same way. No one that I’ve had such a passionate desire to just be with. Just a lot of average guys that I’m not that in to, but I continue to hang out with hoping to find what I had with the Kickboxer, and because there’s nothing better coming along.

I can fake anything. And in the end, I feel numb.