Never Moving Again…

by Jane Moneypenny

Oh wait, that’s right. I’m moving again in August.

I think in the last week, I’ve had about 20 panic attacks. With every step I take, my heart is slamming against my chest and my brain can’t think beyond, “Holy shit. What did I get myself into?” I’ve moved plenty times before so I’m not sure what about this one has made me completely break down. Maybe the realization that my “awesome” plan wasn’t thought out very well. I’ve barely eaten a full meal in days; last night in the dead silence of my apartment, I had so replug my microwave back in from its spot atop the boxes in the living room to heat up some soup. There’s no internet, no television, no radio, no computer, no people. Just me surrounded by a mountain of boxes and wanting to just curl up in a ball and make it all go away.

Even at my office going away party Wednesday as I hugged everyone bye, I could feel the anxiety coming on stronger. Even the tirmasau with a sketch of a plane flying to Europe didn’t seem to calm me down. Last night at my last softball game (I had a single, a double and an RBI!), I wanted to stay out playing just to avoid going back to my apartment. A friend has kindly offered to store everything that can’t fit in my SUV and to my horror, it was a lot more than I realized. So in the heat of today, I ran to U-haul to get a trailer for tomorrow. Clearly, a stupid move. Because who goes looking for a trailer the few days before a giant move in the busiest season? Me, that’s who.

Maybe it’s doing this whole thing really alone that’s making me like this. Today I packed my car by msyelf with my little hand cart my dad got me when I first moved to college and felt pretty proud of myself for getting the biggest boxes up into my Highlander on my own, but it all felt so lonely. It’s not even a “I don’t want to ask for help” situation but everyone is busy with real life and work and the last thing anyone wants to do is help move in 80 degree weather. Why do I have such weird guilt issues?

Must find food. Must not stop breathing. Must make it to Europe.