A New Low

by Penelope Smallbone

Thousands of miles away from Moneypenny’s packing, I’m laying here in bed trying to remember the feelings I felt at 5am this morning when I went to sleep. I wanted to write then, but it was obvious that my comprehension was not together.

Last night started with me and my roommate getting dressed up and going to see the Sex and the City movie. In case you’re interested to know, it was FABULOUS. That’s really the only word to describe it! After the movie we hopped in a cab and headed downtown to a friend of a friend’s birthday party. There were a lot of people there who I haven’t seen in awhile and it was great to catch up. I ended up chatting with a guy who I only knew as “Dick in a Box” from his fantastic Halloween costume last fall. He continued to chat me up the whole night, which I had mixed feelings about. I tried to keep talking to other people so that I wasn’t guilty of ditching my friends for a guy (again) but once the crowd died down I gave in and started to get to know him.

At the other end of the bar my roommate had met up with a friend of hers from work. It’s a guy she’s told me about many many times because she thinks he is so hot. I eventually went over to introduce myself and indeed, he was HOT. I gave her the look like, “oh man… you didn’t tell me he was THAT hot!?!!” to which she replied, “He’s mine!” I told her fine, I don’t really “want” anyone anyway so it’s not really an issue.

Around 2am most of the friends of friends were gone and the four of us headed up to the rooftop. We sat chatting for a little while, and I found that I had a lot in common with both men. My roommate’s coworker, Mr. KK, and I have very similar interests in music and culture, backgrounds of moving to the city from elsewhere, and more. But he wasn’t for me to take. I could feel him casually flirting with me, and we even had a comical run-in in the bathroom (at the sink of a shared washroom). I definitely felt a connection with him, but he was not mine. And my roommate kept reminding me of this fact, as she continued to look at me and say, “He’s MINE.” It was such a weird look and a weird feeling, almost like she was worried that I might actually steal him.

On the other side of me, I had Mr. Dick in a Box, who was trying his best to compete with Mr. KK. He did a pretty good job actually! Although he is not normally a guy who I would be interested in—he’s not tall enough, kind of small, and from Manhattan, born and raised—he was an excellent conversationalist, and everything else seemed to fit. He’s a cyclist and a vegetarian and works in finance… all things that interest me. He kept wanting me to leave with him (which I would normally get skeezed about, but my friend assured me that he’s a fantastic individual and all around one of the nicest, most interesting and caring people she knows.) I am proud of myself for telling him no, that I was going to stay there with my friends who I came with. I told him that if he wants to take me home ever he’s going to have to take me to dinner first. (go me!) He said OK and took my phone number to call me after I get back from Greece. I let him have a quick kiss goodnight, and it felt great.

After he left, my roommate and I headed back to our house with Mr. KK. She told me that she planned to hook up with him. This was after she gushed all week about the boy she is seeing upstate. It’s a long distance thing and is not serious, but it’s to the point where they are involved and attached enough that seeing other people would be wrong. While we were waiting for Mr. KK to come back, I pointed this out to her and she said she didn’t care. I asked her how she would feel if she found out the upstate lover was making out with someone else and she said she would punch him in the face. But for some reason she felt okay about hooking up with Mr. KK.

When we got home, my roommate was trying her best to entertain Mr. KK into staying over and hooking up with her. Again, I got the weird flirty feeling from him. I was ready to let my roommate have him, so I bit the bullet and got ready for bed. When he realized that I was leaving them alone, he shot me a quick look of hope that maybe I wasn’t going to sleep just yet. I said goodnight and closed the door, hoping that maybe he would be a better person than most of the men she brings home and would simply hang out and then leave. This morning I woke up to get some water and there it was. His phone. Left on the coffee table. Presumably left behind in his journey to my roommate’s bed.

The feelings I felt at 5am were intense. They were not feelings I have ever felt before, maybe that’s the reason I’ve had such a hard time writing this post. I am usually the girl who wins. I am usually the one who brings the guy home. Last night was the first time that it wasn’t me. I was the one watching the stupid drunk girl go intentionally cheat on her boyfriend, and I felt that no matter what I said to her she was going to do it anyway. I felt like I had no control and could only sit and watch. I felt almost as if she was stealing MY boyfriend, despite the fact that it was loud and clear that he was hers. At the end of the day, my general thought is “oh well. just another dude,” but I’m not there yet. Am I feeling compassion? Sympathy? Abandonment? What is the word I am looking for…?