by Jane Moneypenny
It’s been awhile. Life has been confusing and as it throws me around, I’m desperately seeking some footing to continue forward with all these changes. Writer’s block hasn’t been helping.
Work hasn’t gotten much better and socially, it’s still really lonely. I’ve met a lot of people, but not a group that I feel is my niche, ya know? I know it’s only been three weeks…
I’ve been told recently that I have unrealistic expectations and standards of my friends. It was a bit startling due to the fact that I’ve never felt I’ve asked much out of my friends other than being there emotionally and supportive of my choices. And in turn, I feel like I’ve been a pretty damn good friend.
Maybe it’s because I lucked out in high school and landed with an incredible group of girls that have withstood time. Others, too, have gotten close quickly and the ones I consider incredibly close to me can usually tell with a few sentences or off phrases that something is wrong. Obviously, I don’t expect this from every friend in my life; that would be ridiculous. But I guess for those privy to my innermost thoughts and emotions and the all that’s gone on, I find the that my standards are normal. Like if you date a guy casually, there’s not a need for him to be what a boyfriend is supposed to be, but once you reach that level, there’s an expectation of the way things should be.
People are often surprised to find I’m still friends with and keep in touch often with classmates from first grade or that I’m staying with a girl I met at summer camp in 7th grade and have seen twice since moving to Austin. But I’m that girl that’s going to remember your birthday for the rest of my life, even if we haven’t talked in years (no, I don’t expect the same in return. I’m just weird :P) Maybe that’s abnormal, but it’s who I am and you’re stuck with it.
I don’t find that I’m emotionally needy or even in constant need of emotional support. Quite the opposite, actually. If anything, I’ve been accused of being too careful of who I let in. Maybe it’s unfair that I have these standards for people that don’t want them, but as much as I’ve been through and the friends that I’ve lost along the way, I don’t want to be someone that hates people or shrinks away from them. My former co-worker used to always say, “J, you’re so full of sunshine and rainbows!” and one of my best friends likes to call me “exuberant.” Truthfully, I find that I’m just a painfully shy anxious cynical person, but apparently I hide it well.
A few years ago, when my parents got in a horrible swamp tour accident and their very good friend died, I was away at college when I got the news from my sister. My first instinct then was to call my then best friend/ex-bf; his reaction was of support, but to my absolute surprise, he shoved “comforting Jane” time in the 30 minutes he had free before a night of drinking. And actually ditched me to go get wasted, ignoring my absolute emotional mess while trying to find out anything about hospitals, my parents, etc. The next morning, I held nothing back and gave him a piece of my mind. I’m not afraid to speak up to those that hurt me, but on occasion, I may have to simmer and stew it out and let it settle before I can say something. Mostly because my first thought is how fake I feel while trying to keep up appearances that it’s okay from fear of insensitive responses or someone blowing it off. It’s my process and I guess it offends some people.
On another note, a friend’s mom died in a car accident yesterday. Not sure of the details, but keep her and her family in your thoughts.