Back From the Dead

by Penelope Smallbone

How am I feeling today? Not great. The only song that seems to suit me right now is Dear Prudence, and its slow tones and melancholy prose seem to be spilling out of my own chest. Disappointed again.

Okay, this all seems a little heavy. And it is. Truthfully, it’s a lot more heaviness than I’m interested in at the moment. That should be the overarching lesson of this experience. See drama. Walk away.

I just returned from dinner tonight with someone who I thought I might have feelings for. (You can call him Mr. Heartbreak.) At this dinner he told me his ex-girlfriend had approached him wanting to get back together. He’s thinking about it but is undecided, for many valid reasons. Not exactly the words I expected to hear at this meal, but now that I’ve thought it through a little I am very thankful that he is going through this kind of soul-searching expose without me. As he said, he really is “a mess” and seems to have a lot to figure out before he can be expected to give anything to a relationship. On my end, I am too young, too smart, and too good to knowingly enter into such an emotionally vacant relationship. It would be wrong, and I know it. Even in my craziest of crazy moves (that usually involves me ignoring my gut in favor of fun), I wouldn’t knowingly step into that mine shaft.

The silver lining? We will continue to be friends and take it from there. I am comfortable with and thankful for that relationship between us, and I will be happy to offer support as a friend for him.

Despite my apparently extreme sadness, I can see that I will be better off in the long run. I will avoid a lot of trauma by taking the high road and realizing sooner rather than later that sometimes it’s best to just stay out of things. Everything will work itself out in the end. It’s just hard to see sometimes from the inside.