Who You Going to Call?

by Jane Moneypenny

The rumors are true. I, Jane Moneypenny, have neither been engaged or pregnant, but my knowledge of wedding shopping and baby-present shopping is beyond the scope of a normal person.

27 Dresses? That movie is all me (except the part where she is desperately wanting to get married). I’m not close to 27 dresses yet, but slowly and surely, the poof and lace are building up and gathering dust in the closet. You can cut it later, you say? Wrong. I can’t cut into a $300 dress, even if I never wear it again.

A good friend surprised me and asked to be her maid-of-honor today; of course, I was happy to say yes! By this point, I had helped her plan most of the wedding, including photographing and designing their save-the-dates. We spent a long 3 hours at Crate & Barrel this morning with that magic registry gun. Her fiancee, who lives in NY, was worried, but once his bride told him I was there, he was fine. Because that random tuft of fake grass centerpiece? You really don’t need.

Save money on stamps and paper; use postcards for save-the-dates. Digital RSVPs and a phone number for the traditional folk. Don’t give silly wedding favors that no one will ever use because who wants a coaster of you and your husband’s faces? Every bride thinks her wedding is the best and is slightly critical of other weddings, so you smile and nod and compliment them for the wonderful party.

Don’t forget the bedsheets for your new king bed, the guest towels for all the friends that will fill your house and that coveted Cuisine Art mixer that every girl wants. Don’t obsess over seating arrangements, the guests you feel obligated to invite and money-dumping to things that mean nothing. Because when it comes down to it, all you need is your and your fiancee, celebrating the start of a new life.

The irony of this all is I don’t actually want to be married (and if I ever do, elopement to the Greek islands is my #1 wish), but I have this strange love and knack for understanding weddings and brides.

And then a baby pops up a few years later. Babies grow fast. 6-12 month onesies as gifts are better than 0-6 months. Bye Bye Baby is a much better shopping experience than the poorly staffed and organized Babies ‘R Us. Always remember to buy a few onesies that the father will like. And of course, never ask women when they’re starting a family.

The bachelorette parties, engagement shindigs, weddings and baby showers pile up as I get older. There’s a little bit of fatigue as I watch money fall away when I’d rather save it for my quest to see the world. But hey, I always save the bride by giving away my +1!

Now, when do I get my single girl registry?